Monday, March 20, 2017

Spring Cleaning Checklist (So can you?)


Alphabetize peanuts based on shape
Sandblast television
Find missing giant banana that was in the tuba
Pluck cactus leash
Dust inside of milk cartons
Wash soap with better soap
Paint fake tunnels around nail holes to fool insects
Polish closet floors
Shake out pitted olives
Water light bulbs so they'll become light flowers
Replace battery in Power Wheels get-away tractor
Put wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man on top of chimney
Use garbage disposal to get rid of excess sand
Chronologize Cheerios™ based on tint
Waterproof Hi-C® cellar
Flatten bowls to use as plates
Sharpen cheeses
Deep clean unused copy paper
Disinfect collection of rare, incurable diseases
Knock out exterior bathroom wall to air out shower & tub.
Donate used toilet brush
Mop paintings
Unclog main electrical line
Throw out expired Kevlar®
Ride in the dryer on high heat to remove that stubborn belly button lint
Rotate your drains
Moisturize baguette bench
Shine life-sized Cerebro replica
Delouse coconuts with coconut oil
Binge on expired vitamins & medications
Destroy spider habitats
Dehinge rinds
Remove grill marks from grill
Luge the gutters
Trim the squirrels
Kool-Aid the sprinklers
Uproot talons
Fold the straitjackets to make them sound oxymoronic
Reseal the ice cubes & ice rhombohedrons

Monday, February 20, 2017

Catching up with Michael Reyes, Emperor of Piemerica, 217 Answers for 2017

1. Can or Do you still play twister?
No, my feet are colorblind
2. What's your favourite pizza topping?
Several other supreme pizzas
3. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shoes come in pairs now?
4. Do you have any pets?
Yes all peeves
5. What would your hero name be?
Graffie Zeppie
6. What would your hero outfit be?
A clear plastic portable closet
7. What would you do if you won the lottery?
Buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner shares the money with me
8. Which form of public transport do you prefer?
tribunal cycle
9. Are you psychic in any way?
I knew you were going to ask me that.
10. Are you a good dancer?
Yeah I donate my dances to the homeless to help them busk
11. Have you ever been bungee jumping?
 I used a bungee cord as a jump rope and that counts!
12. Where would your dream holiday be?
One where teleportation is the travel method.
13. Can you tap dance?
Sure what do you want me to tell it after I get its attention?
14. What's your favourite film?
Soup
15. What's your favourite alcoholic drink?
Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.. and just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.
16. What's your favourite boyband?
Cummerbund
17. If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
I would make it so time machines would be invented earlier
18. How many hats do you own?
None. I believe in the inherent autonomy of cranial accessories
19. Are you any good at pool?
I can barely swim
20. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
Not that I'll admit.
21. Have you ever had any brushes with the law?
What is that? A new way of doing coke?
22. Have you ever been on TV?
Back in the tube days, when a man could choose to sit on a tv.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Can you meet yourself?
24. Have you ever been to Legoland?
If you count the crappy empty square replica I made myself, yes.
25. Have you ever done something heroic?
I've spoken in a heroic tone.
26. Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?
All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.
27. Do you prefer baths or showers?
For babies I like both
28. What colour socks are you wearing?
Underwear color is private
29. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Of course, I'd hate to lose weight just to become famous
30. Would you ever go on Big Brother?
No, but maybe while I was a baby when he changed my diaper I went on him
31. How big is your TV?
Pends on how big I write it.
32. What type of music do you like?
The outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.
33. How big is your house?
It's AS BIG AS A HOUSE!
34. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
There's a difference?
35. What do you typically have for breakfast?
The usual
36. Do you like scary movies?
I hate the smell of burning celluloid.
37. How long can you balance on one foot?
Depends on how long the person's foot can handle the pain of me standing on it.
38. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, the poor guy, it was two days before his retirement
39. What's your favourite clean word?
spick (without span because spickets bring you water)
40. What's your favourite swear word?
pact
41. What's your least favourite word?
less, & surprisingly (to you) least is my second least favorite word
42. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
30+ hours but I plan on breaking that record after I die
43. What's the tallest building you've ever been up?
Not sure, maybe I've been in buildings that have 90 stories buried deep below, like a library that buries its old books.
44. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
The clothes, because I change those anyway
45. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?
Whose?
46. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes?
No I can't get any dye out of my tie, stupid thing!
47. Are you reliable?
If I have to procrastinate before answering that means no right?
48. Are you proud of yourself?
Yes, yourself is a wonderful word.
49. Have you ever had a secret admirer
Secret is in the name, How would I know? HOW would I know?
50. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
What is the answer to that question about what question I would ask you? I can't think of one… yet. Crud you still haven't thought of one? It's been forty years!
51. Do you hold grudges?
Depends on how much you pay me.
52. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create?
I'd rather do it in a lab than have them make whoopee.
53. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas?
No, I've learned that when it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
54. Are you much of a gambler?
I bet I'm not.
55. Are you much of a daredevil?
I'm more of a truthdevil.
56. Are you a good liar?
That's an oxymoron
57. Are you any good at charades?
Permit me to demonstrate my answer..
58. How long could you go without talking?
….
59. Have you ever sleepwalked?
No. I only sleep luge.
60. Can you play poker?
Only the fireplace kind.
61. What traditionally adorns the top of your Christmas tree?
Space
62. Can you impersonate anyone famous?
Not without lawyers getting involved.
63. What's your favourite accent?
Is umlaut an accent?
64. What do you like on your toast?
Not crackers that's for soiten
65. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
I like prison bars of soap
66. How do you have your eggs?
I don't produce eggs.
67. What's your favourite saying?
"I can't say."
68. Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
Yeah I can bend over that far
69. What do you have on your fridge door?
Edible magnets
70. Do you love or hate Myspace?
I think everyone is entitled to their own space
71. What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
The torso part?
72. Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
That's a unique accent you have!
73. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
Yeah & non-bubble gum too, OOOH
74. Can you curl your tongue?
I don't know enough about the sport of curling to know if that requires me to have my tongue cut out or not. With the ice I think no.
75. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?
I've never heard it speak so it must be an introvert.
76. Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
Yo
77. Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
No go on the pogo
78. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone?
No but I made it look like an accident.
79. Have you ever been banned from a public place?
Yeah but because of me it's not public anymore.
80. How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
Amazingly SPAM® has never sent me an email. I hear their knewsletter comes out an absurd amount of times per week.
81. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in the cupboard?
No, my monster slept in the top bunk.
82. Are you a clean or messy person?
…….mes…sy…… (the dots are crumbs)
83. What's your preferred playing piece in monopoly?
I like the car because it can run over the dog then we can barter to close the lawsuit.
84. Have you ever entered a talent contest?
As a surprise judge. The non-surprise judges didn't like my talent of being judgmental.
85. Are you a bad loser?
Aren't all losers bad, that's why they lose right?
86. What's your favourite type of Pie?
That preference is proximity based.
87. What's your favourite board game?
Whittling
88. Do you have much of an ego?
Yeah but I'm borrowing it
89. What's your favourite supermarket chain?
The one that keeps the carts from rolling into the street
90. What's your favourite fast-food chain?
I wish sandwiches came with locks
91. What's your favourite type of tree?
The one that made my floor. I love that my floor happens while I'm standing.
92. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be?
Parker Brothers because they have a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.
93. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Wouldn't you like to know?
94. Would you ever want to learn to fly?
I'd like to ply a flain
95. Have you ever milked a cow?
Only through blackmail.
96. What's the cleverest word you know?
Smarty because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your dangling lower case g.
97. Have you ever wielded a sword?
I tried but the sword was so big it was unwielding (aka I was too weak).
98. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building named after you?
A building shaped like a statue.
99. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails?
On the animals themselves, for comedy, pig tails, for decency, pony tails
100. What's the ultimate cake topping?
Pie that dissolves the cake under it
101. Have you ever used the yellow pages?
I've used white pages as tp creating yellow pages
102. If you have an mp3 player what size is it?
13 Wide
103. Do you talk to yourself?
No since the incident
104. Do you know any identical twins?
Maybe if the world is mostly twins & they're all pranking me by only showing up one at a time.
105. Could you ever be a medical Guinea pig?
No, medical people would figure out real quick that I'm human
106. What's your favourite letter of the Alphabet?
ZZZZZZ.. sorry fell asleep there. What was the question?
107. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons?
Dinosaurs because they don't breathe fire fool
108. Do you know CPR?
No. What is that a CCR cover band?
109. Have you ever cheated at a test?
Yeah my driver's test. I used a stunt butt.
110. Are you a gossip?
I don't know, what have you heard!?
111. Do you always wear identical socks?
Yeah & they're bitter about it
112. Do you like the sound of music?
I prefer to taste it. I have great musical taste.
113. Have you ever made your own orange juice?
Does tang count? It's orange.
114. Do you like long or short hair?
In my soup, short.
115. Have you ever walked into a wall?
If doorways count
116. What's your favourite precious stone?
I don't know, the necklace she wore?
117. Could you ever hunt your own meal?
If I was eating a gunless robot filled with candy.
118. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?
Diagonal stripes, it’s the best of both!
119. Can you name all 50 American states?
Yes, if by name you mean rename. North Vigoda here I come!
120. Have you ever owned a goldfish?
Nope just silverfish for me :(
121. Have you ever passed wind in an embarrassing situation?
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.
122. Have you ever played the bongos?
Yes that time bongos were bogo.
123. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?
Yeah, I lead a million Ottoman march on Fantasia
124. Do you have a favourite mug?
I did but it was shot.
125. Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?
I've got plenty of defense mechanisms. I'm like a self-defense machine in that regard.
126. Do you collect anything?
No just certain things.
127. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?
Fashion not mattering
128. Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be original?
Conventional? You mean like cosplay or you are you talking like a yarn convention or something?
129. Have you ever given someone a handmade present?
Does a rabbit's foot count?
130. Are you introvert or extrovert?
I'm more introhoriz than introvert.
131. If you could have any feature from an animal what would you want?
Lucky rabbit's feet of course
132. Have you ever had a disastrous interview?
Yeah interviewing that dancing bear was a terrible idea.
133. Have you ever warn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?
Yeah those chumps are really clingy
134. If you saw someone drop a $10 note, would you claim it for your own or try to return it to them?
I'd ask for half & provide exact change.
135. Have you ever helped someone across the road?
Yes, by "nudging" them repeatedly with my bumper.
136. Have you ever been horse-riding?
Yes, if you mean the horse riding me.
137. Have you ever walked a tightrope?
I walked a looserope, it is much more danerouser.
138. Do you have any family heirlooms?
This isn't 'ot 6 people don't use looms anymore!
139. Do you throw bread for ducks?
Yeah but no one ever throws me ducks back.
140. Are you any good at egg and spoon races?
Yeah I always win unless the egg is hatched down a chute
141. Are you tired of answering questions yet?
From this list no, from life in general, yes
142. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails?
I would if I met a talking chain mail
143. Do you often have a tune in your head you can't name?
Yeah, legally they won't let me rename it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Thanks a lot Warner/Chappell!
144. What do you do to keep fit?
Throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.
145. Are you the sort to step in and try to break up a fight?
Yep, it's the one way I can shove people without them getting mad at me.
146. Have you ever started a rumor?
No, I've never been popular enough to do that.
147. Have you ever been in or had a food fight?
I fight food all the time, it's called Kung Food.
148. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol?
Yeah but I failed & my wound ended up being fatal.
149. If you invented a monster what would you call it?
The Semi-Annual Sordaspookster.
150. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals?
Maybe in some beachern countries
151. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it?
Captain Ship, The Sentient Boat that winces in pain when you walk on its deck.
152. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be?
Emergency Party Hats
153. If you were to join one of the armed forces which would it be?
The one where they give you 4 roboarms.
154. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study?
The tastes of foods
155. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it?
I hate most modern movie endings because the copyright years at the end of the credits don't use Roman Numerals anymore!!
156. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Toxic gas or Walking Non-Sequitur
157. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
No I keep my sweet revenge in a thermos, I never spill it.
158. Have you ever been to a live concert?
No, all the concerts I've been to were prerecorded.
159. Have you ever needed stitches?
Yeah, clothes ARE a need.
160. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything?
I wish they'd tell me to get more sleep.
161. What's the best way to your heart?
Vena cavas
162. Do you know your own mobile phone number by heart?
No, it's my brain that knows it.
163. Have you ever been in a submarine?
I've been in a submarine sandwich, rookie cannibals need to stop trying to eat so fresh.
164. What's your favourite nursery rhyme?
Cursory
165. Who's your favourite leader of all time?
There haven't been any leaders that lasted through all time.
166. What's your favourite farmyard animal?
If I like armadillo milk does that make it a farmyard animal?
167. How high can you jump?
13,000 feet because I'm counting jumping OUT of a plane.
168. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere?
No, I don't know anyone named Majorly.
169. How fast can you say the alphabet?
A fifth of a second, it's just two words.
170. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?
This whole time I thought it was inaudible!
171. What was the last thing to make you feel happy?
The guy who made me feel the texture of his inspirational woodcarvings.
172. What was the last thing to make you feel angry?
This question because it reminded me that anger exists.
173. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself?
Of course, that is why I think.
174. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just too scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about?
What is this an ad for Google?
175. Can you roll your R's?
"Joke" about rolling physical R's somewhere
176. Do you know any magic tricks?
Silly rabbit, it's Lucky Charms that are magically delicious.
177. What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
I won 3,000 in a robbery… because I stopped it, yeah that's it.
178. Do you prefer Honey or Jam?
Jam, because, I mean, honey is totally sweet, but jam rocks!
179. How fast can you get changed?
I'm not sure what my cell regeneration rate is, you nerd!
180. How fast do you type?
90WPM but I stereotype even faster
181. Which is better, Mario or Sonic?
As a child's name.. Sonic.
182. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm?
A broken leg because it would mean I did good at showbiz.
183. Have you ever had anything published?
I got my obituary published when I faked my death! Yeah!
184. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Babies probably love their mommas when they first see them.
185. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
That's oxymoronic. My house is not remote thus all the controls in it are near controls.
186. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?
I'm not microwaved leftovers why would I ever be in a hot tub?
187. Have you ever had chicken pox?
No, those pox were brave & very social because they spread to everyone I've ever known & ever will meet.
188. What words do you always struggle to spell correctly?
Oh you want me to type them? You're sick!
189. If you discovered a new species of dinosaur what would you call it?
Impostorsaurus
190. If you could have any celebrity's hair who's would it be?
The baldies because that's yuck I don't want to collect hair.
191. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
A snowman because he'd keep me cool.. Aww crap he melted. Solarpoweredrefidgeratorman, or whatever boat is alive that could take me home.
192. If you could change your name to anything what would your new name be?
Anything. You gave me no other choice!
193. Have you ever planted a tree?
No but I planted a kiss on one. Tree huggers aren't dedicated enough!
194. What's the heaviest thing you can lift?
My ego
195. What was the last present you received?
This moment
196. What was your first alcoholic drink?
I've never brewed anything.
197. Have you ever carved a pumpkin?
No, whittling sticks aren't thick enough to approximate a pumpkin.
198. If you were a giant mega monster what city would you rampage?
Whichever one has the tastiest people.
199. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?
I mean one of the building materials was wood, so I guess so. Like, I wasn't living in a bunker.
200. If you could replace one body part with a super bionic replacement what body part and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
Wisk fingers
201. Teenage parents, good bad or indifferent?
Of course they're indifferent, they're teenagers.
202. What's the most expensive thing you've ever broken?
A heart
203. Pirate downloads, good or bad?
They've gotta get it on their boat somehow
204. Do you have to wear glasses?
No, I have hands for carrying my drinks.
205. Would you rather be the world's greatest football player or lover?
Lover because I'll never have to retire from it.
206. Do you have a list of things to do before you're 'x' years old?
I'm past 10 bud.
207. What are better, violins or pianos?
Pianos because they are better at storing strong cheeses
208. If you could see any band, which would you like to see?
I'd rather hear them but whatever.
209. What would you say is your favourite album of all time?
The one with my kids' pictures in it
210. How much would it cost to buy your love?
My plutonic love is always for rent.
211. Have you already thought about your babies names?
Yeah, that's why they have names.
212. Have you ever been fishing?
For compliments
213. What makes you nostalgic?
Thinking about the future.
214. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Bugabuga!   Gotcha! There it was!
215. If you had to describe yourself as a flavour, what would it be?
The sponge that cleaned the soft serve machine.
216. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish?
They have outdoors now?
217. Do you have any superstitions?
"I'm afraid not."

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

+=- Raincoat odometer avalanche disguise.


I've made a bacon comb, this was my dream. It has all the features a bacon comb needs. A felony prevention kit, a presence indicator, a bacon strip ridger, & a wad of wool to soak up the extra grease.

I've got a canopy to prevent clams from falling on my head. I'm the director of excitement! Goodbye. Ravioli filled with pudding, come nigh. I ruffle spirit feathers like a gastropod. These holes must be from jumbo gophers so with my lute I will laud.

I've got a badge showing that I have a beak in case you look at my chest instead of my face because I keep my branch shaped candy close to my heart. I drive an Uber but just for couples who need booster seats when they sit on thrones.

I like to pitch softballs at birds who wear carnations to control the poet spiders' incantations. I like billboards with butchers on em chopping eight steamrollers on the streets of autumn.

Criminal with a portfolio surprise sculptures a shelf into a nanoparticle. Pentagon stamp fights with lemonade thermometer. Conga line during soccer game ends with bloodied limbs.

Leopard pineapple interior. Towel throws a temper, temper throws in the towel. I knock over waiters & steal the shattered glasses to use as pillow stuffing for my guest room where my enemies stay.

Unfortunately meteors don't have a double edge criteria for slamming into the earth. Please tornadoes don't pilgrimage! Weekend utensils depart like toothbrushes protesting a soda bar. I'm shooting sausage at a ladybug & it's darting like a disco surname.

If concrete falls on you your wrist will become a windshield, it will be cracked like a lonely shark's mirror. Surprise bathtub. Nylon leafs on fire. I'm a charlatan backbone. I deliver stew emulation. I am the sultan of inviting typewriters to debufont balls.

My bicycle made of kleenex weighs an ounce. I hate that I can't name a cat Misses Claws without it sounding Christmassy. We are money flying out of a jet's wallet. Platinum sundial. Carrot drumsticks need salt tonight. Father-figures by the pound.

Blowgun in a salon cleans your hair of leaves & bones. Swan carcass pillow. How feathers feel aftershocks. A tank as a postbox. You row me away through mounds of water. Story-telling catsup booster megaphone station during riot.

Aliens eat foam they are not alone that's why they're called alien$. Recording a zebra's thoughts for its children. If you fall asleep somewhere weird you make a fluke bedroom. Ovals aren't laughing at migrating switchboards in 20ths century part B. Cardboard shorts make you feel special while crying. Gemsbok rams poison in my hands. In my hands sphere watch breaks deals it made with Pavlov Pavilions.

Hobby confusion, entertained by aluminum glands. Quasi-limit existence or we won't be stable. I hate the tablecloth sized page. It makes me allergic to the non-numeric timeline.

Dogsled hats in industries of neologism randomize one shade of a color. Pocket-watch headlights play chess with dragon mothers. Radio decongestant isn't good for your ears.
Watering ripples flood your dresser with piranha prose recruits.
They call them fireflies because fire doesn't swim.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016 Lesson Leftovers


Oddtober III Leftovers:
You are weird if you’ve sold your sole but still wear the same shoe.

You are weird if you use your toothbrush to style your teeth.

You are weird if you use onion juice as shampoo.

You are weird if you use mannequins instead of clothes hangers.

You are weird if you keep kerosene in your back pocket in case someone wants to light a fire under you.

You are weird if you give out apples with razers in them so folks will have something to peel the apples with.

Getting picked last isn't as weird as getting picked 631st.

Other Lesson Leftovers:
Islands are so selfish. Uslands tho, that’s what I want to visit.

Soon plants will sway in the wind disproportionate to the amount of wind being blown.

Print out all your e-mails, place them in envelopes, & put them in your mailbox tonight to make yourself feel special tomorrow.

Those who stand for everything force you to fall for anything.

Shadows are darkness walking.

Pillow salesmen smother the back of people’s heads.

As dangerous as walking around with a VR headset on may be it does prevent you from smashing your face.

Sports are fun on fields but if they were played in forests they would be even better! We have the camera technology. Let’s do it. And sports on courts could be done instead in jail cells & that’ll make pro-athletes who are criminals no problem.

Don'tcember Leftovers:
Don't go door to door trying to sell your soul. The only people who will buy it have big gates.

Don't tarnish your legacy, varnish your legacy.

Don't have a skunk as a pet unless you keep it in a bubble boy bubble.

Don’t jump out of a plane without a parachute unless you’re a bird. Birds, don’t wear parachutes, they’ll just slow you down. But birds, if you really want to, be sure the parachute is bird sized.

Don't use glass soda bottles for bowling, they're not bowls!!

Don't loan your phone to a fish, they can't talk or text or play games & your phone will get wet.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

+=- Octomop Replacement Savages


Ice pipe walking into news silo. Home grasp cat a tropic funnel breeze order. A land of W sandwiches, which is made of sand? Sand is made of which? Behaving salad coaching in Allisonsota. Muggers caught on camera mugging at mugs then stealing their cocoa. I'lll alllow this map to grow with undying privllledges.

A tripping hedge. Pee-wee's living speed bumps. Cowcats on the range. Stop cooking those beef kitties! The tree was angry that it couldn't get a job at the post office, all the jobs were taken by humans. All that paper was creepy too.

I'm not buying a pair of keet unless it's BOGO.

If night time were a camp we'd all follow mugger's luggage rules.
..the number 4, the one after 3 & waaay before 196.2
If eggs had scabs would you eat them?
What other kind of preference is there other than a personal preference? One imposed by the state?

Wrist watches with hair pieces. Shoulder watches with a full hair.

Real wreath running rippingly reminder chalice. Disclairity for daytime series of golf ledge ocean wishing engines. This is not a downtown hat.

Frozen toast identifies as windows.
Laughing mask doesn't make a sound.
Amazing numbers are free to flourish unnamed, all named with no end.
Megascule tightening air in outerspace.
Dumbo eating gumbo talking mumbo jumbo while watching Columbo.
All lightning banks burn down.
Skiing on slopes of light.
Mocking ultracabbage friendships.
Parachute gun.
Typing "ladder"
Reorganized tray of smooth round rock shaped ice.
Silk mobile caption.
Pilgrimage keys swirling dynastic overage.
Who walks well known tree skirts?

Scissor panicking about tarp. Underwater violinist. Drowning honey. Octomop replacement savages. Pair or scope raveling chair minus huge limbo stick raining cabbage juice simulat. Copy that. Paste that. W shivvers. Nonogon smelt deity lunch rafters barn bowling scepter Schlumpm Schlump, Katool! Abridged squint sloshing. Dogs barking at notches in coat. Symbolgy garish heirmisalignedloom shadow kibble unjust borrowing knickers. No one tries bumping butterfly caskets off of noctobreakfast canuck nooks. Manually hunting to establish a desired average sized bowl of bug cereal. Tyrannosaurs blessed. Extinguished coal breadth. Neight. Dust is watching. Dust is waiting. Dust has given up on the mission.

Keep On Truckin' and...


Keep On Truckin'
Keep on Armored Carin'
Keep on Automobilein'
Keep on Hang Glidingin'
Keep on Mid-size Sports Utility Vehiclein'
Keep on Hovercraftn'
Keep on Teacup Riden'
Keep on Magic Carpetin'
Keep on Falkorn'
Keep on Airforce Onein'
Keep on Tankin'
Keep on Soap Box Racerin'
Keep on Busin'
Keep on Ambulancein'
Keep on Battleshipin'
Keep on Biplanein'
Keep on Blimpin'
Keep on Chariotin'
Keep on Chopperin'
Keep on Wagonin'
Keep on Eighteen-wheelerin'
Keep on Elevatorin'
Keep on Escalatorin'
Keep on Fire Enginein'
Keep on Four-Door Sedanin'
Keep on Freighterin'
Keep on Frigatein'
Keep on Gondolain'
Keep on Harvesterin'
Keep on Hearsein'
Keep on Houseboatin'
Keep on Jalopyin'
Keep on Jumbo jetin'
Keep on Stretch Limoin'
Keep on Locomotivein'
Keep on Ocean Linerin'
Keep on Oil Tankerin'
Keep on Rickshawin'
Keep on Segwayin'
Keep on Semiin'
Keep on Ski Liftin'
Keep on Submersiblein'
Keep on Thresherin'
Keep on Tractor-trailerin'
Keep on Tramin'
Keep on Tricyclin'
Keep on Trolleyin'
Keep on Vanin'
Keep on Vespain'
Keep on Vesselin'
Keep on Yachtin'
Keep on Zamboniin'
Keep on Zeppelinin'

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

+=- All my clocks on a bridge

"Your Password needs to be at least 6 characters."
Ok um let’s see.. Wilbur Cobb, President Millard, Karnov, FedEx Pope, Royce McCutcheon, Dorf plays golf, NOT Dorf goes fishing, that is not the same Dorf I grew up with…

[In a Metropolis Chatroom]:  It doesn't matter if you've never seen Clark Kent & Superman at the same time. I've never seen you & me at the same time either! That doesn't mean we're the same person!
 
Of course I know what I'm doing. I was doing this back when you were in diapers! Because you dressed as a baby on Halloween 2016.

Does anyone hold the world record for most editions of the Guinness Book of World Records read in one day? & yeah I know if I went for the record I'd find out!

All my clocks were made in Mexico. So in November when they told me to set my clocks back I thought they meant vote for Trump.

I met this guy who had his hand over his heart & thought, "That gentleman really love America." Turns out he was having a heart attack. But I like to think it was both.

Love doesn't make sense. Love is better than cents it's dollars.

I take people personally & rocks rocksonally.

Video I don’t have the time, strength, friends, or money to make:
A medieval monk dramatically drowning a cabbage where both the monk & cabbage wear googly eyes & ‘ot 6 mustaches

Why does this bathroom always smell like crap? Oh right

He was always afraid I'd steal his car. So I figured why let those fears go to waste. Being afraid is half the misery, so why not go through with it, officer.

Danger Level (lowest to highest):
• Falling on a bridge
• Falling off a bridge
• Falling through a bridge
• Falling up from a bridge into outer space
• Falling up through a bridge into outer space
• Falling up through a bridge into outer space but also hitting an aeroplane on the way up
• A large meteor hits an aeroplane & then hits you after you fell through a bridge
• Falling through a bridge as a meteor hurdles towards you then gravity reverses & you fall up through the bridge again as you begin burning in the atmosphere gravity reverses again & the meteor follows you down through the bridge

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Piemerican Phonetic Numerals


A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo… the phonetic alphabet is helpful for understanding what letters are being verbally conveyed. To close out No.vember, I present such a system that I have devised for numbers!

0 as in Oh no, please no! Why!? #ElectionNight2016
1 as in One Night Stand, that boring "magic trick" David Blaine did where he just stood up all night.
2 as in Too Legit to Quit
3 as in 3 Men and a Baby
4 as in Forthright
5 as in 5 dollar bill, y'know the one with Lincoln on it. The one made out of paper.
6 as in 666, because if you say it 3 times it's obvious you're saying six
7 as in 7 fingers
8 as in I just ate an eight
9 as in No
10 as in 2
11 as in the number that rhymes with seven that isn't .7
12 as in a non-baker's dozen
13 as in T Minus 13 seconds
14 as in a teen that is also a fort
15 as in 9+5-6÷8x42-26.4-.7+.1
16 as in "16! She said she was 18, I swear!"
17 as in the front half of the Titanic
18 as in "Congratulations you're old enough to no longer need my help clarifying number pronunciations!"
19 as in the age of your mother's new boyfriend, no not that one, the other one, yeah Francisco, no no, Francisco L., ok just forget it! I'm not getting into middle initials!
20 as in XX
21 as in the past tense of "20 wins!"
22 as in twenty also
23 as in the reason you quit your job at the daycare, twenty 3 year olds
24 as in 24 Seven, the guy named Seven who wears #24 in that popular sports club
25 as in draw and quarter
26 as in 2016 without the teen
27 as in 5 high fives & 1 high two
28 asa ina 28a incha suba sandwicha
29 as in "29 dollars! I could get this for half that price online! Ah but then you have to wait for the shipping. Ugh, alright, I'll take it, but I'm not happy. Look deep into my scowl & remember this before you go to sleep at night!"
30 as in 4/8 an hour
31 as in when you say, "Bear with me" to someone & they say, "Hey Boo-Boo!" then the number of seconds it takes you to remember what Boo-Boo's voice sounds like.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

+=- No tastetrack in sub-mid-air (with artificial nodding)

A Puckett Noctobadge keeps cops from sleeping. The new homing pie finds your face when you’re hungry. Fire pauses ellipses fractals in undersky moons.

Desks & crime scissors vaccinate hollow varnish tomatoes. My disfavorite outgredient. No Noam gnomes need nacho neglect. Staleness. Can clown cars be made into mobile homes? Alphabet soup & soggy crosswords. Night knives glow in the lard & in the dark & in the Shockolate® lard. RR R&R. No sound costumes. Lips with ingrained vocal boxes aren’t room temp with whistling. Lean on water. Tear or? Tear or? Six sheathes buttering.

Walk mix level, rovering. Cardboard marching band loses tension while marching through pond & dismusically float away with no tastetrack. Open umbrella in an envelope doesn’t keep the envelope dry. Dry water far out of a wheelbarrow, in sub-mid-air, then below-air & above-air.

Owning the wrong half of the world’s Velcro with Fabrishe elbow juggling. An evening stroll through trip wire. Rowing down the window on the row boat. Your diaper vest will drown you. A pair of cawing lumber. Left finger on right hand. Right finger on left hand. No with no oh, a no oh no.

Calmerness float flop spiral general. Uninitiated mop who made ground envelopes nervous. My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it’s still loading. A face fire nudge loner-lapsed. Nomenclature barrage!! The Tearer Terror rips things up & down! He even rips sideways if you anger him by nanana looping forced texture fields. A buyer of not hovers; claws waverly bundling, not arms, not eyes.

A van of sauce crashes into spaghetti canyon. A helicopter with noodle blades crashes too. The crashing cooks it. Fire roasted tomatoes!

The sun rises over Cabbage Mtn & things begin to smell.

Freeze dried then fire wetted caramel broccoli. Artificial nodding. Cousin bird in the wrong tree. Periscope knives in 3D.
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a tongue.
3 knights in the jungle, at least they have shade.
Tremulant anti-voxel diatribe spork. The Leaping Nudge. Overalls made of long johns.

Plastallic mitten salad or am I eating without a fork?
Envelope carcass.

Putting crayons in an envelope into the summer mail to create abstract art.
I’m not banging my head but I’m falling down as if I were.
Why doesn't Roomba make a moebile mop like the ones in Fantasia?
You look like you fold capital Hs real well.

Elk running towards backwards. A 9 collar rack of pugilist scarves. A frosted bark team acknowledged druthersless microphones. Kneeling while pushing a shopping cart to curry favor & buggy curry. Owl runs in putty. Walking camera in desert make of toaster-leave-ins. Wonder peel night kelp. Cookabur floating in a bubble. Height light spanning chili operas.

Washing needles, deep pool is a portal. Water wings nosh. Buried satellite in space. Being private to ourselves. Loose leaf soap. Tinsel toothbrush. Off duty mop. Nudging wiggles. Terraformed clock.

No one in the barn, just threes here. I wish you well because bottled water is ecch! I hope you keep 5 numbers in your back pocket & none of them are 5. Carrots in the fridge as decorations. Weather stripping mall. Spell your middle initial starting with the 3rd letter. The boring bowling ball in the wind.

Monday, July 4, 2016

+=- I'm room temp with that


Here is the farmicon system of end thoughts, revised.

This mouse has a red wheel just like my car.. Oh no I've said too much!
 No one has asked me if I want fries with that at a restaurant in years, probably because I buy 6 sandwiches just for myself. The McDonalds golden arches make you think of their French fries. Yeah they make you wonder if the arches & the fries are made out of the same material.

If it's ok to say I'm great & great is better than good, it should be ok to say I'm doing good instead of I'm doing well.

1: How many pounds does it weigh?
2: I don't know are you talking paper or coins?

I didn't spent a dime on it. I don't have that kind of exact change laying around.

I don't count, I ABC.

Stranger: What are you doing now?
Me: killing..
Me: time..
Me: travelers

Emotional long johns

Swear word of the day: Oath

1:  Have you heard of the The Hunchback of Notre-Dame?
2:  Doesn't ring a bell.

I have some bad news.. There was this blimp called the Hindenburg, it crashed & lots of people died.

Ghost of acrobatic skeletons

Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Yeah that's right I'm the most grateful person you've ever met, Thank you Thank you Thank you

I'm a man of few

Superfluous super crochet hickey

I'm not good at thinking on the fly because it always crushes the fly & thinking on guts is eww.

1: Funner is not a word.
2: Then how did you just say it?

1: I'm Franky Bytheway.
2: Cool last name.

Carts will hide hiccups for golden fawnphilishes.

Walruses will design toasters to toast their tusks.

If I had a hash tag for every time I typed # I'd assume my keyboard was functioning properly.

1: I think the transitive nature of style makes it uncool because it doesn't stand the test of time.
2: Well I think transience creates nostalgia which ultimately makes trendy styles even more valuable.
3: Well I think I’m poor so it doesn’t matter to me. & I also think you both look stupid.

We better get #helmets. That's not a hash tag. That's a face guard.

1: Well if they can do all that more power to them.
2: No not more power to them. More power to me, they have enough power. I need that power!

“How come every time I walk into a shoe store I never see any shoes shopping? What? They are shopping but the shoes are wearing people! Well then why are only shoes for sale in a shoe store? Is it a slavery thing? Eww, don’t shop at shoe stores they promote slavery!”
So now if anyone ever tells you shoe stores promote slavery you’ll know their thought process.