Monday, December 18, 2017

+=- The most hyperbolic thing I've ever heard!

And here's a man that needs no introduction.. I mean unless the lighting is horrible and we alter his voice afterwards.

Why don't they have a Black History Month tree? You could hang a bunch of bl… Oh No, that's why!

Forget the state capitals! I can name all of the Super Bowls! Super Bowl I, Super Bowl II, Super Bowl III, Super Bowl IV.. No I don't know who played in them. But I'm really good at roman numerals.

The favorite show of nachos is "Rolling Pin vs Bowling Ball."

1: "I'm about to put the hammer down!"
2: Oh that's good, I was afraid you were about to use the hammer.

You could fill a thimble with what you don't understand! & probably something bigger too or maybe hundreds more thimbles.

I might be hairy but I'm not a dog person.

I'll be 26 -negative six years ago.

Bad times to have a seeing eye dog:
When in front of a firing squad
While walking the plank

I'm gonna be on the news tonight! I finally figured out how to get past security & I've got the quickest path to the camera mapped out.

There were 2 guys at the grocery store & one went down an isle & then came back out & said, "No dice." What an idiot, he thought they sold dice at the grocery store.

What do you call a boombox with no speakers? A box.

I'm not gonna shove it down your throat like a gravy boat.

Lately I've been thinkin.. before that I didn't think at all.

They had a class at the local community center for building rapport. Have we become so inclusive that we have to build rapport with buildings now? How do you create rapport with a building? Buildings can't talk back.

My friends are all unreliable. They're so unreliable they never became my friends in the first place.

I just found out that I was adopted! I didn't know my parents could put me up for adoption while I'm an adult.

I've broken several beds in my time & countless air mattresses. I guess I'm a heavy sleeper.

Fair warning, since they says it's a good idea to back up your hard drive I like to back up toilets as a service to my hosts.

Brady:  anyone have change for a 5$?
MAR:  Do you want exact change or horribly inexact change where I get $5 & you get an empty green Easter egg?
Brady: throw in a rap for me Mike and you got a deal!
MAR: This is what I have to tell, it's got a deviled egg smell. The fragrance of a dill. Yo this egg is ill. [But not like the contagious kind (we hope & pray, Amen)]

1:  He's not playing with a full deck.
2:  That's dangerous he could fall off the porch!

Yo with me it ain't a battle ain't a fight either
It's a trip to the woodshed, I'm a sucka beater
Burn down the house like a knocked ova 1970s heater

That was the most hyperbolic thing I've ever heard!

Screw drivers? Screw cars!

I'm only a fan of people who have passed out.

You ever get dirty stares from bald guys for having messy hair? Don't give me that guff you didn't do anything with your hair today either!

I make ya swoon in your thought balloon
I don't just rock all night I rock till noon
Rocks more valuable than the ones from the moon

I don’t want a fish in my mouth unless it’s dead & cooked & even then, not the whole thing.

With eggs sunny side up you can pretend the yolk is the sun & the white is a cloud & you can make the sun explode as if it were made out of liquid instead of fire.

Anything can be a chair except a chair bolted to the ceiling.

What candy isn't fun size? The bag that is so big it that rats get all up in it?

Cause baby, there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
I'm so unsatisfied with geography

Good news! I'm only racist against certain long extinct ancient Neanderthal races. Their bones look stupid!

I thought he was the man of my dreams. The dreams where a man chases me down & makes me purchase his loose pudding in the muddy woods.

So is Joey spelled the traditional way or the alternate timeline moon colony way, Goei? Ok the traditional way. I should have just tasted the gravity for a minute & figured it out myself.

Have you heard of this? I got this great new surgery. They made me sterile. I think it means when I get sick my germs don't spread to anyone.

You know there's gotta be somebody out there who refuses to use emojis because he's racist against Asians.
He's so racist when he goes shopping he checks all the labels, "Made in China? No thank you!"

I don't think this guy heard my name right, he keeps calling me "Frank Lee." Should I correct him or would that be too embarrassing for him?

These punk kids always bragging about their morality. "I'm not gonna lie.." Tell it to a priest kid.

1: He's got a doctor's appointment.
2: Why does he work here too if he's a doctor?

1: I lost some pounds
2: That's too bad. I blame Brexit.

That guy is a total grammar Nazi, always speaking German.

I go to work. #LikeAnEmployee

I'm a one man dynasty & I still got kids!

Future man, "Siri, I've got a steak in front of me. How to I eat this thing?"
Future Siri, "It is my understating of spoons that one is not needed at this time."

Southerners are bad:
Southern Women, "I like my tibacci like I like my men, burnin & covered in white."
Southern Men, "I like my women like I like my guns, smokin & full of bullets."

Do you know what I think the worst politically correct term is? It's not what you may think.
It's "significant other."
Think about it, we're talking about the most important person in your life.. significant.

"Well I'd say you at the very least are notable my dear."

"Honey who I am I to you?"
"Let me see, well you're not me.. so..euh.. Other?"

But there are worse things you could call your partner... pardner. Arenas for example make for terrible pet names..
"Oh Quicken loans arena you are the light of my life!"
"My darling AT&T stadium, I cannot live without you!"

Radio stations have this problem too,
"Q107 FM, there's no one I'd rather spend my life with."
"102.9 The Buzz I don't know where I'd be without you."
"Hey, 103.3 WVIG THE PIG, I wantta get next to you tonight"

And as you get older you switch the pet names to AM radio stations,
"WHBQ 560 AM I'm so thankful to have spent all these years with you"
You know those stickers on the back car window that show the members of your family? Those sure make it easy to case a joint for a robbery.

Just walk by the driveway,
"Ok, there's two adults, two kids, & a dog. Gotta remember the dog, better bring a distraction."

But the thing is, if you use the goofy ones based on fictional creatures the robbers will still follow it the best they can.

"Oh they got a slug monster. That must mean they have hardwood floors because no one with carpets would have a slug monster as a pet. Ahh guff! I'm gonna have to get the cursed amulet of Drysylsuggatanonga to dry the slug out or it will engulf me in it's slime for all eternity. Hmm that's a big hassle, maybe I should check the neighbors. Hey cool, they have a wookie!"
Can't get car out of mail.

Tiny ninjas hiding in walnuts eating nuts to stay alive. Maybe we'll never be attacked. Don't eat walnuts, let the ninjas die.

Wound words walking. A light blitter fnight. Thumbtack made of meat but not thumb meat. Rare steak drying on a clothes line. Flies found five new floods underground. Wedge has rotted into zedge.

No double ticks, faster burning wicks. Orange bowling blitz. Lay down like paper knifing butter, a nice slice.
Log cabins won't last at fire camp. Sight sign or side side. Double sided on one side. Stack a bend, lend a fold.

Who has stronger teeth? Can you hear it become dark? In the flash of an ear. Testify about triangles.
Gnawing leafing caudered, underground is not soddered. Grass needs sun. Sun spins with fun. W shoes, clone gets double you shoes. No crayon eraser to erase the blues. No hand in glove but glove in use when it was cool to nail gloves to the wall.
If you want to be in my dreams let me sleep, let me sleep.

If you write on me you wrong on me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Subprime Rhymes

Hurricane Rain
Vein Pain
Inane Jane
Bloodstain Romaine
Insane Terrain
Spain Disdain
Arcane Explain
Attain Cocaine
Free Rein Ukraine
Champagne Eyestrain
Slow Lane Gain
Methane Brain
Lorraine Complain
Grain Abstain
Domain Retrain
Urbane Maclaine
Membrane Cane
Can't Contain Gas Main
Profane Dwayne
Drain Refrain
Chain Constrain
Gain Spain Propane $$$
Wayne Slain
Train Remain
Campaign Feign
Elaine Migraine
Airplane Chow Mein

Friday, August 25, 2017

Old Lessons Expanded

I went to a self defense class. I asked the instructor, "What do I do if a thug draws a knife on me?" He says, "Wash it off."

I was in the produce section of the grocery store I ask the guy there, "Where were these navel oranges grown?" He says, "On a boat."

Remember, it's a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar! I know it can be confusing with all the digital cameras & such but the floppy pictures cannot talk! Kids these days, they have cellars but don't know whether or not photo paper can talk. I knew it would come to this, I just didn't know it would be so soon. I mean you can tell a tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't. So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger!

I didn't get my driver's license until I was 20. I was a slow learner when it came to driving. I failed my first on the road driving test because I sat at a stop sign for 40 minutes. After about 2 minutes the instructor was yelling at me, "What are you doing? Go! Go!" I yelled back, "I don't see a go sign anywhere around here! Do you?" Then she got out of the car & went back into the DMV. 38 minutes later she has a cop pull me out of the car. They sentenced me to a driver's ed class. I said, "I don't need more training you just need better signs!" Three things in that story are true. One of them is that stop signs exist.

There are disclaimers on everything these days. I was reading a sales paper for the local grocery store and it said about one product, "You'll love the taste!" Then at the bottom it had a disclaimer that said, "results only occur when eaten or tasted." As if that weren't enough it then said, "Results are subjective may not be true for you." If lawyers didn't dress so nice I just wouldn't understand why average people are eager to have law suits.

They say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother but Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children. Figure that out! What stupid lyrics. & Isaac Hayes is from the county I grew up in yet I still don't understand it.

I once said "Hey look at me!" & then someone who was there stalked me for the rest of my life. Sometimes you've gotta be careful. Make sure you say, "Hey look at me! But only for a few seconds."

I had a tech problem so weird I had to consult a specialist. I told him whenever I check my e-mail my computer shuts down but only if my dog is nearby. He said it was because computers are the new mailmen. I'm still waiting to see the cartoons reflect this. We get e-mail on everything now. I'm surprised we haven't all been murdered by our dogs.

I've never been so sad to see something go as that time I got ran over by an ambulance & it didn't come back to pick me up. Thankfully it wasn't heart breaking but unfortunately it was bone crushing.

Anyone here go the movies lately? Not me. I'm so broke the only time I go to the movies is to look for discarded ticket stubs to burn for warmth.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Getting Small Talk Slightly Wrong

What are you doing tonight?
Who are you doing tonight?

Don’t work too hard.
Don't work.

Beautiful day, isn't it?
Beautiful isn't it? (while pointing somewhere on your person)

Did you catch the news today?
Did you catch the news today? The paperboy loves it when I do it! Especially when I catch it in my mouth like a dog.

You look like you could use a cup of coffee.
You look like you could use loose coffee, on your lap.

How about this weather?
When about this weather?

Nice place, huh?
Nice thing, heuh?

You look like you've got your hands full.
You look like you've got your feet full.

How old are your kids?
How old are your clothes?

How long have you been waiting?
How depth have you been waiting?

Looking forward to the weekend?
Looking forward to 2047?

Friday, July 28, 2017

+=- Reverse infection cures everything.

Translucent bygones. Reverse infection cures everything. I land on the ground & ground on the land. Subsequent planks lead into the ocean to the even loster city of Buboua. It was named after the only sound you could make underwater. Ostricarian colony has TVs in the irrigation canals. Come across the weeping wonder. Deliberately broken sockets keep the hallways dark. Convection oven backpack with toaster oven purse. Tiny slices of corpulent astroaleviations. Can a can can a can? Think smaller. No tie under the collar. A clip on means you can't commit.. to learning it. If the corn cob is hollow how can the kernels stay in place? Reshape it to make a face. Exaggerating lies, clodhop gossip challenge. No waste of paper, ones & zeros or a lot of tens. Nights & lines for frosted giveaways. Smoke completes carrot meal.

A never ending shadow fell on me & I can never walk away.
I am rubber. Whatever I say bounces off your ears, so no one can ever hear me.
I'm like an umbrella in the desert, I should be a parasol.

Working toaster in the freezer. Why stop at chocolate fountains, chocolate fire-hoses can turn anything chocolate? Who challenges buns to lonely walks on the beach? Fuming thunder loops pile into an acrobat car. Clown contortionists can fit into an even smaller car.

Chewing bubbles. Planes mix with cherry flavored coffins as cough drops for monster moles. Underground skyline evening cheers.

Don't imagine loudly, think whispers. Thundering frequency increases. Superpower to zip between raindrops & change their colors on the way down. The remix takes the bells. Underwater cacti skewering lémóns making lémónade with bamboo straws & scuba honey bees. My mind mauls meandering minnows in malls. Unclubbed grocery sacks of water delivered to the shores of thirst. No one knows what makes a moment last.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Non-Phonetic Alphabet

A as in Aisle
B as in Bee
C as in Sea
D as in Dee dee dee-dee dee dee dee
E as in Effigy
F as in Effigy
G as in Gnome
H as in Hour
I as in Eyeball
J as in Blue jay
K as in Cayman Islands
L as in El
M as in Emily
N as in Enter
O as in Owe
P as in Psychology
Q as in Cue ball
R as in Are
S as in Especially
T as in Pterodactyl
U as in You
V as in Vehicle
W as in Rap
X as in Ex
Y as in Why
Z as in Xylophone

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

+=- A Stas by Stas Stasis

I reload refresh
The mightiest colors in the room
Sight saw through me
Multiple lights in reference
I can't be a sand which turns to glass in your eye
Moth rises under overhauled bridges

Camp flame fire night knight revolved two rivers
A uncrust uncut filleted solution revels in farce
Dumb months edge a ward off
Warding off old goers
Going off new windows
Based on steam clouds
A stas by stas stasis
Rumbling in an Ovelope
Escaping tires escape from car rims
Rim welded micro-marshstress
Famed overseen ovens folded blankets with a fan blade spinning
Dizzy spinning every inning after this inning we'll go on an outing
Everywhere is somewhere, wholewhere, another
Parking seldom settles bagging cabbage nights that pertrudes invisibly
A line is a lumbering shadow shelter
Ice volume, clink clink
Shaking faces make lightning volunteers to burn in the sky beautifully
This is a world of pictures burrowing under sliding solaces
Addition buries subtraction in neutral fumes heralding sorrowful elbowlights

I rent vivistruction
No valid research to follow under eveningfalls of dry air

Illustration reconstructs events. I'm drawing bricks with bricks.
No clock in the yard. Dig up old excruciatingly long cases
Chattering lung flies by

Written Monday, May 15, 2017

+=- Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts.

Math mop cleans up spilt letters. Toast flounders like untoast. Giant thermometer spaceship measures the temperature of space.

5 Oceans made of cheese flavored jello

Donate your houseboat to evolved swimming koalas. Tours leave popcorn & tomatoes on the ground. Hacksaw your cold drinks open. Memories for miles, this space has weight.

Stepping-stone has intentions to disrupt the universal sundial. Undisclosed thankfulness recovers. Wool cabinet lounges. Flytrap spouts solutions to fried lawnmowers. And it spread. Nightly ape dog walkers. Fall finds feathers in fountains, all unnatural ingredients. Down all night. Gramophone abyss. Sullen octagonal rescue singing.

Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts. You must kick the right mug for education to appear. Adjoining stays. Second-hand ban. Mountain range collar. Woozy floor has nowhere to fall. Wax umbrella with an overt sound.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Piemerica's Prank Ideas for April Fools Day

• Swap the signs on the shallow & deep ends of the pool.
• Leave a tiny ransom note for the single grape you abducted from the grocery.
• Serve someone with papers for a fake law suit
• Tie together the shoelaces of non-matching shoes
• Put fake fruit in the fruit drawer & fake milk in the milk carton
• Scrape the letters off of a contemporary's keyboard
• Baby turtles & a bent envelope filled with green ooze in the storm drain
• Leave a phone in the toilet that matches their model
• 3 way call your friend & a doctor's office & stay silent.
• Landmines in their garden, finding a fake one would be good but if you want to kill them leave live ones in there. There's a special club in heaven for people who died from April Fool's pranks.
• Into a toaster drop an item that will result in stinkerization if heated.
• Pepper in the pillowcase
• Pee your pants & pretend it was an April Fool's prank because you've always wanted to pee in public.
• Send a rocket into low orbit at night to masquerade as a shooting star so the chumps you prank make wishes that won't come true. #BillionDollarPrank
• Put "Free Candy" signs in people's yards then on their front door put signs that say, "Candy 'round back. --►"
• Have all your family learn Mandarin to prank your uncle into thinking we've been taken over by the Chinese.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Spring Cleaning Checklist (So can you?)

Alphabetize peanuts based on shape
Sandblast television
Find missing giant banana that was in the tuba
Pluck cactus leash
Dust inside of milk cartons
Wash soap with better soap
Paint fake tunnels around nail holes to fool insects
Polish closet floors
Shake out pitted olives
Water light bulbs so they'll become light flowers
Replace battery in Power Wheels get-away tractor
Put wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man on top of chimney
Use garbage disposal to get rid of excess sand
Chronologize Cheerios™ based on tint
Waterproof Hi-C® cellar
Flatten bowls to use as plates
Sharpen cheeses
Deep clean unused copy paper
Disinfect collection of rare, incurable diseases
Knock out exterior bathroom wall to air out shower & tub.
Donate used toilet brush
Mop paintings
Unclog main electrical line
Throw out expired Kevlar®
Ride in the dryer on high heat to remove that stubborn belly button lint
Rotate your drains
Moisturize baguette bench
Shine life-sized Cerebro replica
Delouse coconuts with coconut oil
Binge on expired vitamins & medications
Destroy spider habitats
Dehinge rinds
Remove grill marks from grill
Luge the gutters
Trim the squirrels
Kool-Aid the sprinklers
Uproot talons
Fold the straitjackets to make them sound oxymoronic
Reseal the ice cubes & ice rhombohedrons

Monday, February 20, 2017

Catching up with Michael Reyes, Emperor of Piemerica, 217 Answers for 2017

1. Can or Do you still play twister?
No, my feet are colorblind
2. What's your favourite pizza topping?
Several other supreme pizzas
3. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shoes come in pairs now?
4. Do you have any pets?
Yes all peeves
5. What would your hero name be?
Graffie Zeppie
6. What would your hero outfit be?
A clear plastic portable closet
7. What would you do if you won the lottery?
Buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner shares the money with me
8. Which form of public transport do you prefer?
tribunal cycle
9. Are you psychic in any way?
I knew you were going to ask me that.
10. Are you a good dancer?
Yeah I donate my dances to the homeless to help them busk
11. Have you ever been bungee jumping?
 I used a bungee cord as a jump rope and that counts!
12. Where would your dream holiday be?
One where teleportation is the travel method.
13. Can you tap dance?
Sure what do you want me to tell it after I get its attention?
14. What's your favourite film?
15. What's your favourite alcoholic drink?
Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.. and just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.
16. What's your favourite boyband?
17. If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
I would make it so time machines would be invented earlier
18. How many hats do you own?
None. I believe in the inherent autonomy of cranial accessories
19. Are you any good at pool?
I can barely swim
20. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
Not that I'll admit.
21. Have you ever had any brushes with the law?
What is that? A new way of doing coke?
22. Have you ever been on TV?
Back in the tube days, when a man could choose to sit on a tv.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Can you meet yourself?
24. Have you ever been to Legoland?
If you count the crappy empty square replica I made myself, yes.
25. Have you ever done something heroic?
I've spoken in a heroic tone.
26. Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?
All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.
27. Do you prefer baths or showers?
For babies I like both
28. What colour socks are you wearing?
Underwear color is private
29. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Of course, I'd hate to lose weight just to become famous
30. Would you ever go on Big Brother?
No, but maybe while I was a baby when he changed my diaper I went on him
31. How big is your TV?
Pends on how big I write it.
32. What type of music do you like?
The outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.
33. How big is your house?
34. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
There's a difference?
35. What do you typically have for breakfast?
The usual
36. Do you like scary movies?
I hate the smell of burning celluloid.
37. How long can you balance on one foot?
Depends on how long the person's foot can handle the pain of me standing on it.
38. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, the poor guy, it was two days before his retirement
39. What's your favourite clean word?
spick (without span because spickets bring you water)
40. What's your favourite swear word?
41. What's your least favourite word?
less, & surprisingly (to you) least is my second least favorite word
42. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
30+ hours but I plan on breaking that record after I die
43. What's the tallest building you've ever been up?
Not sure, maybe I've been in buildings that have 90 stories buried deep below, like a library that buries its old books.
44. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
The clothes, because I change those anyway
45. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?
46. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes?
No I can't get any dye out of my tie, stupid thing!
47. Are you reliable?
If I have to procrastinate before answering that means no right?
48. Are you proud of yourself?
Yes, yourself is a wonderful word.
49. Have you ever had a secret admirer
Secret is in the name, How would I know? HOW would I know?
50. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
What is the answer to that question about what question I would ask you? I can't think of one… yet. Crud you still haven't thought of one? It's been forty years!
51. Do you hold grudges?
Depends on how much you pay me.
52. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create?
I'd rather do it in a lab than have them make whoopee.
53. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas?
No, I've learned that when it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
54. Are you much of a gambler?
I bet I'm not.
55. Are you much of a daredevil?
I'm more of a truthdevil.
56. Are you a good liar?
That's an oxymoron
57. Are you any good at charades?
Permit me to demonstrate my answer..
58. How long could you go without talking?
59. Have you ever sleepwalked?
No. I only sleep luge.
60. Can you play poker?
Only the fireplace kind.
61. What traditionally adorns the top of your Christmas tree?
62. Can you impersonate anyone famous?
Not without lawyers getting involved.
63. What's your favourite accent?
Is umlaut an accent?
64. What do you like on your toast?
Not crackers that's for soiten
65. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
I like prison bars of soap
66. How do you have your eggs?
I don't produce eggs.
67. What's your favourite saying?
"I can't say."
68. Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
Yeah I can bend over that far
69. What do you have on your fridge door?
Edible magnets
70. Do you love or hate Myspace?
I think everyone is entitled to their own space
71. What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
The torso part?
72. Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
That's a unique accent you have!
73. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
Yeah & non-bubble gum too, OOOH
74. Can you curl your tongue?
I don't know enough about the sport of curling to know if that requires me to have my tongue cut out or not. With the ice I think no.
75. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?
I've never heard it speak so it must be an introvert.
76. Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
77. Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
No go on the pogo
78. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone?
No but I made it look like an accident.
79. Have you ever been banned from a public place?
Yeah but because of me it's not public anymore.
80. How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
Amazingly SPAM® has never sent me an email. I hear their knewsletter comes out an absurd amount of times per week.
81. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in the cupboard?
No, my monster slept in the top bunk.
82. Are you a clean or messy person?
…….mes…sy…… (the dots are crumbs)
83. What's your preferred playing piece in monopoly?
I like the car because it can run over the dog then we can barter to close the lawsuit.
84. Have you ever entered a talent contest?
As a surprise judge. The non-surprise judges didn't like my talent of being judgmental.
85. Are you a bad loser?
Aren't all losers bad, that's why they lose right?
86. What's your favourite type of Pie?
That preference is proximity based.
87. What's your favourite board game?
88. Do you have much of an ego?
Yeah but I'm borrowing it
89. What's your favourite supermarket chain?
The one that keeps the carts from rolling into the street
90. What's your favourite fast-food chain?
I wish sandwiches came with locks
91. What's your favourite type of tree?
The one that made my floor. I love that my floor happens while I'm standing.
92. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be?
Parker Brothers because they have a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.
93. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Wouldn't you like to know?
94. Would you ever want to learn to fly?
I'd like to ply a flain
95. Have you ever milked a cow?
Only through blackmail.
96. What's the cleverest word you know?
Smarty because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your dangling lower case g.
97. Have you ever wielded a sword?
I tried but the sword was so big it was unwielding (aka I was too weak).
98. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building named after you?
A building shaped like a statue.
99. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails?
On the animals themselves, for comedy, pig tails, for decency, pony tails
100. What's the ultimate cake topping?
Pie that dissolves the cake under it
101. Have you ever used the yellow pages?
I've used white pages as tp creating yellow pages
102. If you have an mp3 player what size is it?
13 Wide
103. Do you talk to yourself?
Not since the incident
104. Do you know any identical twins?
Maybe, if the world is mostly twins & they're all pranking me by only showing up one at a time.
105. Could you ever be a medical Guinea pig?
No, medical people would figure out real quick that I'm human
106. What's your favourite letter of the Alphabet?
ZZZZZZ.. sorry fell asleep there. What was the question?
107. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons?
Dinosaurs because they don't breathe fire fool
108. Do you know CPR?
No. What is that a CCR cover band?
109. Have you ever cheated at a test?
Yeah my driver's test. I used a stunt butt.
110. Are you a gossip?
I don't know, what have you heard!?
111. Do you always wear identical socks?
Yeah & they're bitter about it
112. Do you like the sound of music?
I prefer to taste it. I have great musical taste.
113. Have you ever made your own orange juice?
Does tang count? It's orange.
114. Do you like long or short hair?
In my soup, short.
115. Have you ever walked into a wall?
If doorways count
116. What's your favourite precious stone?
I don't know, the necklace she wore?
117. Could you ever hunt your own meal?
If I was eating a gunless robot filled with candy.
118. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?
Diagonal stripes, it’s the best of both!
119. Can you name all 50 American states?
Yes, if by name you mean rename. North Vigoda here I come!
120. Have you ever owned a goldfish?
Nope just silverfish for me :(
121. Have you ever passed wind in an embarrassing situation?
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.
122. Have you ever played the bongos?
Yes that time bongos were bogo.
123. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?
Yeah, I lead a million Ottoman march on Fantasia
124. Do you have a favourite mug?
I did but it was shot.
125. Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?
I've got plenty of defense mechanisms. I'm like a self-defense machine in that regard.
126. Do you collect anything?
No just certain things.
127. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?
Fashion not mattering
128. Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be original?
Conventional? You mean like cosplay or you are you talking like a yarn convention or something?
129. Have you ever given someone a handmade present?
Does a rabbit's foot count?
130. Are you introvert or extrovert?
I'm more introhoriz than introvert.
131. If you could have any feature from an animal what would you want?
Lucky rabbit's feet of course
132. Have you ever had a disastrous interview?
Yeah interviewing that dancing bear was a terrible idea.
133. Have you ever worn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?
Yeah those chumps are really clingy
134. If you saw someone drop a $10 note, would you claim it for your own or try to return it to them?
I'd ask for half & provide exact change.
135. Have you ever helped someone across the road?
Yes, by "nudging" them repeatedly with my bumper.
136. Have you ever been horse-riding?
Yes, if you mean the horse riding me.
137. Have you ever walked a tightrope?
I walked a looserope, it is much more danerouser.
138. Do you have any family heirlooms?
This isn't 'ot 6 people don't use looms anymore!
139. Do you throw bread for ducks?
Yeah but no one ever throws me ducks back.
140. Are you any good at egg and spoon races?
Yeah I always win unless the egg is hatched down a chute
141. Are you tired of answering questions yet?
From this list no, from life in general, yes
142. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails?
I would if I met a talking chain mail
143. Do you often have a tune in your head you can't name?
Yeah, legally they won't let me rename it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Thanks a lot Warner/Chappell!
144. What do you do to keep fit?
Throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.
145. Are you the sort to step in and try to break up a fight?
Yep, it's the one way I can shove people without them getting mad at me.
146. Have you ever started a rumor?
No, I've never been popular enough to do that.
147. Have you ever been in or had a food fight?
I fight food all the time, it's called Kung Food.
148. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol?
Yeah but I failed & my wound ended up being fatal.
149. If you invented a monster what would you call it?
The Semi-Annual Sordaspookster.
150. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals?
Maybe in some beachern countries
151. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it?
Captain Ship, The Sentient Boat that winces in pain when you walk on its deck.
152. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be?
Emergency Party Hats
153. If you were to join one of the armed forces which would it be?
The one where they give you 4 roboarms.
154. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study?
The tastes of foods
155. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it?
I hate most modern movie endings because the copyright years at the end of the credits don't use Roman Numerals anymore!!
156. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Toxic gas or Walking Non-Sequitur
157. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
No I keep my sweet revenge in a thermos, I never spill it.
158. Have you ever been to a live concert?
No, all the concerts I've been to were prerecorded.
159. Have you ever needed stitches?
Yeah, clothes ARE a need.
160. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything?
I wish they'd tell me to get more sleep.
161. What's the best way to your heart?
Vena cavas
162. Do you know your own mobile phone number by heart?
No, it's my brain that knows it.
163. Have you ever been in a submarine?
I've been in a submarine sandwich, rookie cannibals need to stop trying to eat so fresh.
164. What's your favourite nursery rhyme?
165. Who's your favourite leader of all time?
There haven't been any leaders that lasted through all time.
166. What's your favourite farmyard animal?
If I like armadillo milk does that make it a farmyard animal?
167. How high can you jump?
13,000 feet because I'm counting jumping OUT of a plane.
168. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere?
No, I don't know anyone named Majorly.
169. How fast can you say the alphabet?
A fifth of a second, it's just two words.
170. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?
This whole time I thought it was inaudible!
171. What was the last thing to make you feel happy?
The guy who made me feel the texture of his inspirational woodcarvings.
172. What was the last thing to make you feel angry?
This question because it reminded me that anger exists.
173. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself?
Of course, that is why I think.
174. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just too scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about?
What is this an ad for Google?
175. Can you roll your R's?
"Joke" about rolling physical R's somewhere
176. Do you know any magic tricks?
Silly rabbit, it's Lucky Charms that are magically delicious.
177. What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
I won 3,000 in a robbery… because I stopped it, yeah that's it.
178. Do you prefer Honey or Jam?
Jam, because, I mean, honey is totally sweet, but jam rocks!
179. How fast can you get changed?
I'm not sure what my cell regeneration rate is, you nerd!
180. How fast do you type?
90WPM but I stereotype even faster
181. Which is better, Mario or Sonic?
As a child's name.. Sonic.
182. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm?
A broken leg because it would mean I did good at showbiz.
183. Have you ever had anything published?
I got my obituary published when I faked my death! Yeah!
184. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Babies probably love their mommas when they first see them.
185. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
That's oxymoronic. My house is not remote thus all the controls in it are near controls.
186. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?
I'm not microwaved leftovers why would I ever be in a hot tub?
187. Have you ever had chicken pox?
No, those pox were brave & very social because they spread to everyone I've ever known & ever will meet.
188. What words do you always struggle to spell correctly?
Oh you want me to type them? You're sick!
189. If you discovered a new species of dinosaur what would you call it?
190. If you could have any celebrity's hair who's would it be?
The baldies because that's yuck I don't want to collect hair.
191. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
A snowman because he'd keep me cool.. Aww crap he melted. Solarpoweredrefidgeratorman, or whatever boat is alive that could take me home.
192. If you could change your name to anything what would your new name be?
Anything. You gave me no other choice!
193. Have you ever planted a tree?
No but I planted a kiss on one. Tree huggers aren't dedicated enough!
194. What's the heaviest thing you can lift?
My ego
195. What was the last present you received?
This moment
196. What was your first alcoholic drink?
I've never brewed anything.
197. Have you ever carved a pumpkin?
No, whittling sticks aren't thick enough to approximate a pumpkin.
198. If you were a giant mega monster what city would you rampage?
Whichever one has the tastiest people.
199. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?
I mean one of the building materials was wood, so I guess so. Like, I wasn't living in a bunker.
200. If you could replace one body part with a super bionic replacement what body part and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
Wisk fingers
201. Teenage parents, good bad or indifferent?
Of course they're indifferent, they're teenagers.
202. What's the most expensive thing you've ever broken?
A heart
203. Pirate downloads, good or bad?
They've gotta get it on their boat somehow
204. Do you have to wear glasses?
No, I have hands for carrying my drinks.
205. Would you rather be the world's greatest football player or lover?
Lover because I'll never have to retire from it.
206. Do you have a list of things to do before you're 'x' years old?
I'm past 10 bud.
207. What are better, violins or pianos?
Pianos because they are better at storing strong cheeses
208. If you could see any band, which would you like to see?
I'd rather hear them but whatever.
209. What would you say is your favourite album of all time?
The one with my kids' pictures in it
210. How much would it cost to buy your love?
My plutonic love is always for rent.
211. Have you already thought about your babies names?
Yeah, that's why they have names.
212. Have you ever been fishing?
For compliments
213. What makes you nostalgic?
Thinking about the future.
214. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Bugabuga!   Gotcha! There it was!
215. If you had to describe yourself as a flavour, what would it be?
The sponge that cleaned the soft serve machine.
216. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish?
They have outdoors now?
217. Do you have any superstitions?
"I'm afraid not."

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

+=- Raincoat odometer avalanche disguise.

I've made a bacon comb, this was my dream. It has all the features a bacon comb needs. A felony prevention kit, a presence indicator, a bacon strip ridger, & a wad of wool to soak up the extra grease.

I've got a canopy to prevent clams from falling on my head. I'm the director of excitement! Goodbye. Ravioli filled with pudding, come nigh. I ruffle spirit feathers like a gastropod. These holes must be from jumbo gophers so with my lute I will laud.

I've got a badge showing that I have a beak in case you look at my chest instead of my face because I keep my branch shaped candy close to my heart. I drive an Uber but just for couples who need booster seats when they sit on thrones.

I like to pitch softballs at birds who wear carnations to control the poet spiders' incantations. I like billboards with butchers on em chopping eight steamrollers on the streets of autumn.

Criminal with a portfolio surprise sculptures a shelf into a nanoparticle. Pentagon stamp fights with lemonade thermometer. Conga line during soccer game ends with bloodied limbs.

Leopard pineapple interior. Towel throws a temper, temper throws in the towel. I knock over waiters & steal the shattered glasses to use as pillow stuffing for my guest room where my enemies stay.

Unfortunately meteors don't have a double edge criteria for slamming into the earth. Please tornadoes don't pilgrimage! Weekend utensils depart like toothbrushes protesting a soda bar. I'm shooting sausage at a ladybug & it's darting like a disco surname.

If concrete falls on you your wrist will become a windshield, it will be cracked like a lonely shark's mirror. Surprise bathtub. Nylon leafs on fire. I'm a charlatan backbone. I deliver stew emulation. I am the sultan of inviting typewriters to debufont balls.

My bicycle made of kleenex weighs an ounce. I hate that I can't name a cat Misses Claws without it sounding Christmassy. We are money flying out of a jet's wallet. Platinum sundial. Carrot drumsticks need salt tonight. Father-figures by the pound.

Blowgun in a salon cleans your hair of leaves & bones. Swan carcass pillow. How feathers feel aftershocks. A tank as a postbox. You row me away through mounds of water. Story-telling catsup booster megaphone station during riot.

Aliens eat foam they are not alone that's why they're called alien$. Recording a zebra's thoughts for its children. If you fall asleep somewhere weird you make a fluke bedroom. Ovals aren't laughing at migrating switchboards in 20ths century part B. Cardboard shorts make you feel special while crying. Gemsbok rams poison in my hands. In my hands sphere watch breaks deals it made with Pavlov Pavilions.

Hobby confusion, entertained by aluminum glands. Quasi-limit existence or we won't be stable. I hate the tablecloth sized page. It makes me allergic to the non-numeric timeline.

Dogsled hats in industries of neologism randomize one shade of a color. Pocket-watch headlights play chess with dragon mothers. Radio decongestant isn't good for your ears.
Watering ripples flood your dresser with piranha prose recruits.
They call them fireflies because fire doesn't swim.