• Swap the signs on the shallow & deep ends of the pool.
• Leave a tiny ransom note for the single grape you abducted from the grocery.
• Serve someone with papers for a fake law suit
• Tie together the shoelaces of non-matching shoes
• Put fake fruit in the fruit drawer & fake milk in the milk carton
• Scrape the letters off of a contemporary's keyboard
• Baby turtles & a bent envelope filled with green ooze in the storm drain
• Leave a phone in the toilet that matches their model
• 3 way call your friend & a doctor's office & stay silent.
• Landmines in their garden, finding a fake one would be good but if you want to kill them leave live ones in there. There's a special club in heaven for people who died from April Fool's pranks.
• Into a toaster drop an item that will result in stinkerization if heated.
• Pepper in the pillowcase
• Pee your pants & pretend it was an April Fool's prank because you've always wanted to pee in public.
• Send a rocket into low orbit at night to masquerade as a shooting star so the chumps you prank make a wishes that won't come true. #BillionDollarPrank
• Put "Free Candy" signs in people's yards then on their front door put signs that say, "Candy 'round back. --►"
• Have all your family learn Mandarin to prank your uncle into thinking we've been taken over by the Chinese.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Monday, March 20, 2017
Monday, February 20, 2017
1. Can or Do you still play twister?
No, my feet are colorblind
2. What's your favourite pizza topping?
Several other supreme pizzas
3. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shoes come in pairs now?
4. Do you have any pets?
Yes all peeves
5. What would your hero name be?
6. What would your hero outfit be?
A clear plastic portable closet
7. What would you do if you won the lottery?
Buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner shares the money with me
8. Which form of public transport do you prefer?
9. Are you psychic in any way?
I knew you were going to ask me that.
10. Are you a good dancer?
Yeah I donate my dances to the homeless to help them busk
11. Have you ever been bungee jumping?
I used a bungee cord as a jump rope and that counts!
12. Where would your dream holiday be?
One where teleportation is the travel method.
13. Can you tap dance?
Sure what do you want me to tell it after I get its attention?
14. What's your favourite film?
15. What's your favourite alcoholic drink?
Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.. and just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.
16. What's your favourite boyband?
17. If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
I would make it so time machines would be invented earlier
18. How many hats do you own?
None. I believe in the inherent autonomy of cranial accessories
19. Are you any good at pool?
I can barely swim
20. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
Not that I'll admit.
21. Have you ever had any brushes with the law?
What is that? A new way of doing coke?
22. Have you ever been on TV?
Back in the tube days, when a man could choose to sit on a tv.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Can you meet yourself?
24. Have you ever been to Legoland?
If you count the crappy empty square replica I made myself, yes.
25. Have you ever done something heroic?
I've spoken in a heroic tone.
26. Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?
All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.
27. Do you prefer baths or showers?
For babies I like both
28. What colour socks are you wearing?
Underwear color is private
29. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Of course, I'd hate to lose weight just to become famous
30. Would you ever go on Big Brother?
No, but maybe while I was a baby when he changed my diaper I went on him
31. How big is your TV?
Pends on how big I write it.
32. What type of music do you like?
The outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.
33. How big is your house?
It's AS BIG AS A HOUSE!
34. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
There's a difference?
35. What do you typically have for breakfast?
36. Do you like scary movies?
I hate the smell of burning celluloid.
37. How long can you balance on one foot?
Depends on how long the person's foot can handle the pain of me standing on it.
38. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, the poor guy, it was two days before his retirement
39. What's your favourite clean word?
spick (without span because spickets bring you water)
40. What's your favourite swear word?
41. What's your least favourite word?
less, & surprisingly (to you) least is my second least favorite word
42. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
30+ hours but I plan on breaking that record after I die
43. What's the tallest building you've ever been up?
Not sure, maybe I've been in buildings that have 90 stories buried deep below, like a library that buries its old books.
44. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
The clothes, because I change those anyway
45. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?
46. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes?
No I can't get any dye out of my tie, stupid thing!
47. Are you reliable?
If I have to procrastinate before answering that means no right?
48. Are you proud of yourself?
Yes, yourself is a wonderful word.
49. Have you ever had a secret admirer
Secret is in the name, How would I know? HOW would I know?
50. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
What is the answer to that question about what question I would ask you? I can't think of one… yet. Crud you still haven't thought of one? It's been forty years!
51. Do you hold grudges?
Depends on how much you pay me.
52. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create?
I'd rather do it in a lab than have them make whoopee.
53. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas?
No, I've learned that when it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
54. Are you much of a gambler?
I bet I'm not.
55. Are you much of a daredevil?
I'm more of a truthdevil.
56. Are you a good liar?
That's an oxymoron
57. Are you any good at charades?
Permit me to demonstrate my answer..
58. How long could you go without talking?
59. Have you ever sleepwalked?
No. I only sleep luge.
60. Can you play poker?
Only the fireplace kind.
61. What traditionally adorns the top of your Christmas tree?
62. Can you impersonate anyone famous?
Not without lawyers getting involved.
63. What's your favourite accent?
Is umlaut an accent?
64. What do you like on your toast?
Not crackers that's for soiten
65. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
I like prison bars of soap
66. How do you have your eggs?
I don't produce eggs.
67. What's your favourite saying?
"I can't say."
68. Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
Yeah I can bend over that far
69. What do you have on your fridge door?
70. Do you love or hate Myspace?
I think everyone is entitled to their own space
71. What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
The torso part?
72. Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
That's a unique accent you have!
73. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
Yeah & non-bubble gum too, OOOH
74. Can you curl your tongue?
I don't know enough about the sport of curling to know if that requires me to have my tongue cut out or not. With the ice I think no.
75. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?
I've never heard it speak so it must be an introvert.
76. Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
77. Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
No go on the pogo
78. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone?
No but I made it look like an accident.
79. Have you ever been banned from a public place?
Yeah but because of me it's not public anymore.
80. How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
Amazingly SPAM® has never sent me an email. I hear their knewsletter comes out an absurd amount of times per week.
81. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in the cupboard?
No, my monster slept in the top bunk.
82. Are you a clean or messy person?
…….mes…sy…… (the dots are crumbs)
83. What's your preferred playing piece in monopoly?
I like the car because it can run over the dog then we can barter to close the lawsuit.
84. Have you ever entered a talent contest?
As a surprise judge. The non-surprise judges didn't like my talent of being judgmental.
85. Are you a bad loser?
Aren't all losers bad, that's why they lose right?
86. What's your favourite type of Pie?
That preference is proximity based.
87. What's your favourite board game?
88. Do you have much of an ego?
Yeah but I'm borrowing it
89. What's your favourite supermarket chain?
The one that keeps the carts from rolling into the street
90. What's your favourite fast-food chain?
I wish sandwiches came with locks
91. What's your favourite type of tree?
The one that made my floor. I love that my floor happens while I'm standing.
92. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be?
Parker Brothers because they have a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.
93. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Wouldn't you like to know?
94. Would you ever want to learn to fly?
I'd like to ply a flain
95. Have you ever milked a cow?
Only through blackmail.
96. What's the cleverest word you know?
Smarty because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your dangling lower case g.
97. Have you ever wielded a sword?
I tried but the sword was so big it was unwielding (aka I was too weak).
98. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building named after you?
A building shaped like a statue.
99. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails?
On the animals themselves, for comedy, pig tails, for decency, pony tails
100. What's the ultimate cake topping?
Pie that dissolves the cake under it
101. Have you ever used the yellow pages?
I've used white pages as tp creating yellow pages
102. If you have an mp3 player what size is it?
103. Do you talk to yourself?
No since the incident
104. Do you know any identical twins?
Maybe if the world is mostly twins & they're all pranking me by only showing up one at a time.
105. Could you ever be a medical Guinea pig?
No, medical people would figure out real quick that I'm human
106. What's your favourite letter of the Alphabet?
ZZZZZZ.. sorry fell asleep there. What was the question?
107. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons?
Dinosaurs because they don't breathe fire fool
108. Do you know CPR?
No. What is that a CCR cover band?
109. Have you ever cheated at a test?
Yeah my driver's test. I used a stunt butt.
110. Are you a gossip?
I don't know, what have you heard!?
111. Do you always wear identical socks?
Yeah & they're bitter about it
112. Do you like the sound of music?
I prefer to taste it. I have great musical taste.
113. Have you ever made your own orange juice?
Does tang count? It's orange.
114. Do you like long or short hair?
In my soup, short.
115. Have you ever walked into a wall?
If doorways count
116. What's your favourite precious stone?
I don't know, the necklace she wore?
117. Could you ever hunt your own meal?
If I was eating a gunless robot filled with candy.
118. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?
Diagonal stripes, it’s the best of both!
119. Can you name all 50 American states?
Yes, if by name you mean rename. North Vigoda here I come!
120. Have you ever owned a goldfish?
Nope just silverfish for me :(
121. Have you ever passed wind in an embarrassing situation?
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.
122. Have you ever played the bongos?
Yes that time bongos were bogo.
123. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?
Yeah, I lead a million Ottoman march on Fantasia
124. Do you have a favourite mug?
I did but it was shot.
125. Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?
I've got plenty of defense mechanisms. I'm like a self-defense machine in that regard.
126. Do you collect anything?
No just certain things.
127. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?
Fashion not mattering
128. Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be original?
Conventional? You mean like cosplay or you are you talking like a yarn convention or something?
129. Have you ever given someone a handmade present?
Does a rabbit's foot count?
130. Are you introvert or extrovert?
I'm more introhoriz than introvert.
131. If you could have any feature from an animal what would you want?
Lucky rabbit's feet of course
132. Have you ever had a disastrous interview?
Yeah interviewing that dancing bear was a terrible idea.
133. Have you ever warn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?
Yeah those chumps are really clingy
134. If you saw someone drop a $10 note, would you claim it for your own or try to return it to them?
I'd ask for half & provide exact change.
135. Have you ever helped someone across the road?
Yes, by "nudging" them repeatedly with my bumper.
136. Have you ever been horse-riding?
Yes, if you mean the horse riding me.
137. Have you ever walked a tightrope?
I walked a looserope, it is much more danerouser.
138. Do you have any family heirlooms?
This isn't 'ot 6 people don't use looms anymore!
139. Do you throw bread for ducks?
Yeah but no one ever throws me ducks back.
140. Are you any good at egg and spoon races?
Yeah I always win unless the egg is hatched down a chute
141. Are you tired of answering questions yet?
From this list no, from life in general, yes
142. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails?
I would if I met a talking chain mail
143. Do you often have a tune in your head you can't name?
Yeah, legally they won't let me rename it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Thanks a lot Warner/Chappell!
144. What do you do to keep fit?
Throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.
145. Are you the sort to step in and try to break up a fight?
Yep, it's the one way I can shove people without them getting mad at me.
146. Have you ever started a rumor?
No, I've never been popular enough to do that.
147. Have you ever been in or had a food fight?
I fight food all the time, it's called Kung Food.
148. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol?
Yeah but I failed & my wound ended up being fatal.
149. If you invented a monster what would you call it?
The Semi-Annual Sordaspookster.
150. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals?
Maybe in some beachern countries
151. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it?
Captain Ship, The Sentient Boat that winces in pain when you walk on its deck.
152. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be?
Emergency Party Hats
153. If you were to join one of the armed forces which would it be?
The one where they give you 4 roboarms.
154. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study?
The tastes of foods
155. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it?
I hate most modern movie endings because the copyright years at the end of the credits don't use Roman Numerals anymore!!
156. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Toxic gas or Walking Non-Sequitur
157. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
No I keep my sweet revenge in a thermos, I never spill it.
158. Have you ever been to a live concert?
No, all the concerts I've been to were prerecorded.
159. Have you ever needed stitches?
Yeah, clothes ARE a need.
160. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything?
I wish they'd tell me to get more sleep.
161. What's the best way to your heart?
162. Do you know your own mobile phone number by heart?
No, it's my brain that knows it.
163. Have you ever been in a submarine?
I've been in a submarine sandwich, rookie cannibals need to stop trying to eat so fresh.
164. What's your favourite nursery rhyme?
165. Who's your favourite leader of all time?
There haven't been any leaders that lasted through all time.
166. What's your favourite farmyard animal?
If I like armadillo milk does that make it a farmyard animal?
167. How high can you jump?
13,000 feet because I'm counting jumping OUT of a plane.
168. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere?
No, I don't know anyone named Majorly.
169. How fast can you say the alphabet?
A fifth of a second, it's just two words.
170. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?
This whole time I thought it was inaudible!
171. What was the last thing to make you feel happy?
The guy who made me feel the texture of his inspirational woodcarvings.
172. What was the last thing to make you feel angry?
This question because it reminded me that anger exists.
173. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself?
Of course, that is why I think.
174. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just too scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about?
What is this an ad for Google?
175. Can you roll your R's?
"Joke" about rolling physical R's somewhere
176. Do you know any magic tricks?
Silly rabbit, it's Lucky Charms that are magically delicious.
177. What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
I won 3,000 in a robbery… because I stopped it, yeah that's it.
178. Do you prefer Honey or Jam?
Jam, because, I mean, honey is totally sweet, but jam rocks!
179. How fast can you get changed?
I'm not sure what my cell regeneration rate is, you nerd!
180. How fast do you type?
90WPM but I stereotype even faster
181. Which is better, Mario or Sonic?
As a child's name.. Sonic.
182. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm?
A broken leg because it would mean I did good at showbiz.
183. Have you ever had anything published?
I got my obituary published when I faked my death! Yeah!
184. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Babies probably love their mommas when they first see them.
185. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
That's oxymoronic. My house is not remote thus all the controls in it are near controls.
186. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?
I'm not microwaved leftovers why would I ever be in a hot tub?
187. Have you ever had chicken pox?
No, those pox were brave & very social because they spread to everyone I've ever known & ever will meet.
188. What words do you always struggle to spell correctly?
Oh you want me to type them? You're sick!
189. If you discovered a new species of dinosaur what would you call it?
190. If you could have any celebrity's hair who's would it be?
The baldies because that's yuck I don't want to collect hair.
191. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
A snowman because he'd keep me cool.. Aww crap he melted. Solarpoweredrefidgeratorman, or whatever boat is alive that could take me home.
192. If you could change your name to anything what would your new name be?
Anything. You gave me no other choice!
193. Have you ever planted a tree?
No but I planted a kiss on one. Tree huggers aren't dedicated enough!
194. What's the heaviest thing you can lift?
195. What was the last present you received?
196. What was your first alcoholic drink?
I've never brewed anything.
197. Have you ever carved a pumpkin?
No, whittling sticks aren't thick enough to approximate a pumpkin.
198. If you were a giant mega monster what city would you rampage?
Whichever one has the tastiest people.
199. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?
I mean one of the building materials was wood, so I guess so. Like, I wasn't living in a bunker.
200. If you could replace one body part with a super bionic replacement what body part and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
201. Teenage parents, good bad or indifferent?
Of course they're indifferent, they're teenagers.
202. What's the most expensive thing you've ever broken?
203. Pirate downloads, good or bad?
They've gotta get it on their boat somehow
204. Do you have to wear glasses?
No, I have hands for carrying my drinks.
205. Would you rather be the world's greatest football player or lover?
Lover because I'll never have to retire from it.
206. Do you have a list of things to do before you're 'x' years old?
I'm past 10 bud.
207. What are better, violins or pianos?
Pianos because they are better at storing strong cheeses
208. If you could see any band, which would you like to see?
I'd rather hear them but whatever.
209. What would you say is your favourite album of all time?
The one with my kids' pictures in it
210. How much would it cost to buy your love?
My plutonic love is always for rent.
211. Have you already thought about your babies names?
Yeah, that's why they have names.
212. Have you ever been fishing?
213. What makes you nostalgic?
Thinking about the future.
214. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Bugabuga! Gotcha! There it was!
215. If you had to describe yourself as a flavour, what would it be?
The sponge that cleaned the soft serve machine.
216. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish?
They have outdoors now?
217. Do you have any superstitions?
"I'm afraid not."
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
I've made a bacon comb, this was my dream. It has all the features a bacon comb needs. A felony prevention kit, a presence indicator, a bacon strip ridger, & a wad of wool to soak up the extra grease.
I've got a canopy to prevent clams from falling on my head. I'm the director of excitement! Goodbye. Ravioli filled with pudding, come nigh. I ruffle spirit feathers like a gastropod. These holes must be from jumbo gophers so with my lute I will laud.
I've got a badge showing that I have a beak in case you look at my chest instead of my face because I keep my branch shaped candy close to my heart. I drive an Uber but just for couples who need booster seats when they sit on thrones.
I like to pitch softballs at birds who wear carnations to control the poet spiders' incantations. I like billboards with butchers on em chopping eight steamrollers on the streets of autumn.
Criminal with a portfolio surprise sculptures a shelf into a nanoparticle. Pentagon stamp fights with lemonade thermometer. Conga line during soccer game ends with bloodied limbs.
Leopard pineapple interior. Towel throws a temper, temper throws in the towel. I knock over waiters & steal the shattered glasses to use as pillow stuffing for my guest room where my enemies stay.
Unfortunately meteors don't have a double edge criteria for slamming into the earth. Please tornadoes don't pilgrimage! Weekend utensils depart like toothbrushes protesting a soda bar. I'm shooting sausage at a ladybug & it's darting like a disco surname.
If concrete falls on you your wrist will become a windshield, it will be cracked like a lonely shark's mirror. Surprise bathtub. Nylon leafs on fire. I'm a charlatan backbone. I deliver stew emulation. I am the sultan of inviting typewriters to debufont balls.
My bicycle made of kleenex weighs an ounce. I hate that I can't name a cat Misses Claws without it sounding Christmassy. We are money flying out of a jet's wallet. Platinum sundial. Carrot drumsticks need salt tonight. Father-figures by the pound.
Blowgun in a salon cleans your hair of leaves & bones. Swan carcass pillow. How feathers feel aftershocks. A tank as a postbox. You row me away through mounds of water. Story-telling catsup booster megaphone station during riot.
Aliens eat foam they are not alone that's why they're called alien$. Recording a zebra's thoughts for its children. If you fall asleep somewhere weird you make a fluke bedroom. Ovals aren't laughing at migrating switchboards in 20ths century part B. Cardboard shorts make you feel special while crying. Gemsbok rams poison in my hands. In my hands sphere watch breaks deals it made with Pavlov Pavilions.
Hobby confusion, entertained by aluminum glands. Quasi-limit existence or we won't be stable. I hate the tablecloth sized page. It makes me allergic to the non-numeric timeline.
Dogsled hats in industries of neologism randomize one shade of a color. Pocket-watch headlights play chess with dragon mothers. Radio decongestant isn't good for your ears.
Watering ripples flood your dresser with piranha prose recruits.
They call them fireflies because fire doesn't swim.