Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Corpse storage locations that are worse than caskets

Bouncy House
Fish Tank/Aquarium
Mall Fountain
Koi Pond
Flag Pole
Carnival Rides
Lawn Chair
Jello Mold
Pool Table
Mashed Potatoes sans Gravy
Petting Zoo
Produce Isle
At the End of a Rope
On a Cross
Basketball Hoop
Pee Wee Football Field
Inside Another Human Carcass
Out Yonder
Behind Anything

Friday, May 13, 2016

Apps we desperately need

• App you sign promising you won't press charges so you can fight people legally
   Includes video with face tracking that makes sure contract is not signed under duress
• Redwood tree app
   plant a redwood tree and simulate its growth since it will be growing long after you're dead
• The Flavor of Colors
   Discover What flavor a color of food is. what fruit is the red Skittle? what flavor is this brand of green popsicle? Are all M&Ms really the same flavour?
• Twigslist
   find Twigs to glean from other people's yards
• Add your ant farm to Google Maps


Thursday, May 12, 2016

Food as clothing and accessories, Worse to do while completely underwater, Reasons cobras hate lemons

Food as clothing and accessories
• Gutted fish fanny pack
• Onion goggles
• Spaghetti chain mail
• Mini-Stack of Pringles in place of a watch
• Creamed corn foundation
• Half watermelon shoes
• Grapefruit elbow pads
• Chocolate thong

Worse to do while completely underwater
• Blowing up or playing with balloons
   They keep floating to the top & you keep drowning
• Chopping wood
• Changing a tire
• Putting on lotion
• Conference calling
• Cooking soup
• Cracking eggs
• Walking your dog

Reasons cobras hate lemons
• Cobras are carnivorous.
• I keep throwing lemons at them, stupid cobras

Monday, May 2, 2016

+=- Heading to the Footer

Dresser drawers organized from top of body down:
Windex flavored chainmails
Vampire Capes
Fishnet Cummerbunds
Government Issued Chaps
Porcelain Dress Socks
(Warning! System does not work for overalls, underalls, or floor length neck ruffs.)

Natural Grease
Who needs hair gel when you've got natural grease? Use it to fix squeaky doors (please do not get hair stuck in door hinge).
Get my new book "Harnessing the power of your natural grease."
Follow my 2 step guide:
1. Skip Showers.
2. Put meat on yo head.

Windows on Windows
I don't care about the Apple Watch or the Google Glass. I'm still waiting for Microsoft Windows on my actual windows.

It'll tell you what breed of dog walks by, keep an Excel spreadsheet of what time the mailman comes. You can display a wallpaper to let you feel like you live in a better neighborhood.

Eventually you can upgrade to the touch screendoor, which I think would actually be easier to create because it's got the pixel squares already built in.

Nights of the Week:

Ghost Sheet Scariness Countdown:
4. Flowery Sheet
3. Polka dot sheet
2. Plain white sheet
1. Soiled white sheet

Cool Names:
Greg Gary
Dede Dea
Charlie Lee
Leon Aerol (Lee on a roll)
Hiya Heyman

+=- I can't keep .

I blame my obesity on exposure to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

I'm drug & alcohol free even if it's free.

These walls block all UV rays! (Bouncing light not included)

How many woodchucks would Chuck chuck if Chuck could chuck woodchucks?

Sorry but we can't afford to get you a pony but we can get you a ponytail.

How many 14th century Turks does it take to screw in a light bulb in the 14th century?

I think it is great that people don't use the names of famous killers as names for their kids. No one today is ever named Genghis, Adolph, OJ, Ted, Jeffrey, or Jim.

Have you realized that your mom telling you about starving kids in Africa has made you overweight?

🕮👀😢 = "I'm illiterate."

My daughter is amazing. The first time she picked up an orange crayon she could draw shredded cheese.

Frisbees are sports tortillas. That is why they are so hard, because sports humans have hard muscles.

Celebrate Grave Digging Day, because a funeral is never goodbye.

At the end of the year I would like to run for Student Council President & lose horribly, just for fun?

As the hosts, we had to set things up & set things down.

I don't know who this Hitler guy was but he must not have been particularly bad to have had so many people compared to him.

People act like participation trophies are a bad thing. There weren't participation trophies when I was growing up & I didn't participate. These trophies are an incentive to participate. How else are you going to get apathetic kids to do something as pointless as sports? News flash, adults get participation trophies too, it's called a wage. If you didn't get paid, you wouldn't work for competition & victory or love of the game

I bought a folding chair for my laundry room. It must be defective. It hasn't folded a single article I've put on it.

On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day. If I had more money that number would rise significantly.

I can't keep   .
[The joke of the title is I can't keep up but there is no "up" in the title because I couldn’t keep it.]

©? Piemerica 2001, 2002, 2006 & latter years