And here's a man that needs no introduction.. I mean unless the lighting is horrible and we alter his voice afterwards.
Why don't they have a Black History Month tree? You could hang a bunch of bl… Oh No, that's why!
Forget the state capitals! I can name all of the Super Bowls! Super Bowl I, Super Bowl II, Super Bowl III, Super Bowl IV.. No I don't know who played in them. But I'm really good at roman numerals.
The favorite show of nachos is "Rolling Pin vs Bowling Ball."
1: "I'm about to put the hammer down!"
2: Oh that's good, I was afraid you were about to use the hammer.
You could fill a thimble with what you don't understand! & probably something bigger too or maybe hundreds more thimbles.
I might be hairy but I'm not a dog person.
I'll be 26 -negative six years ago.
Bad times to have a seeing eye dog:
When in front of a firing squad
While walking the plank
I'm gonna be on the news tonight! I finally figured out how to get past security & I've got the quickest path to the camera mapped out.
There were 2 guys at the grocery store & one went down an isle & then came back out & said, "No dice." What an idiot, he thought they sold dice at the grocery store.
What do you call a boombox with no speakers? A box.
I'm not gonna shove it down your throat like a gravy boat.
Lately I've been thinkin.. before that I didn't think at all.
They had a class at the local community center for building rapport. Have we become so inclusive that we have to build rapport with buildings now? How do you create rapport with a building? Buildings can't talk back.
My friends are all unreliable. They're so unreliable they never became my friends in the first place.
I just found out that I was adopted! I didn't know my parents could put me up for adoption while I'm an adult.
I've broken several beds in my time & countless air mattresses. I guess I'm a heavy sleeper.
Fair warning, since they says it's a good idea to back up your hard drive I like to back up toilets as a service to my hosts.
Brady: anyone have change for a 5$?
MAR: Do you want exact change or horribly inexact change where I get $5 & you get an empty green Easter egg?
Brady: throw in a rap for me Mike and you got a deal!
MAR: This is what I have to tell, it's got a deviled egg smell. The fragrance of a dill. Yo this egg is ill. [But not like the contagious kind (we hope & pray, Amen)]
1: He's not playing with a full deck.
2: That's dangerous he could fall off the porch!
Yo with me it ain't a battle ain't a fight either
It's a trip to the woodshed, I'm a sucka beater
Burn down the house like a knocked ova 1970s heater
That was the most hyperbolic thing I've ever heard!
Screw drivers? Screw cars!
I'm only a fan of people who have passed out.
You ever get dirty stares from bald guys for having messy hair? Don't give me that guff you didn't do anything with your hair today either!
I make ya swoon in your thought balloon
I don't just rock all night I rock till noon
Rocks more valuable than the ones from the moon
I don’t want a fish in my mouth unless it’s dead & cooked & even then, not the whole thing.
With eggs sunny side up you can pretend the yolk is the sun & the white is a cloud & you can make the sun explode as if it were made out of liquid instead of fire.
Anything can be a chair except a chair bolted to the ceiling.
What candy isn't fun size? The bag that is so big it that rats get all up in it?
Cause baby, there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
I'm so unsatisfied with geography
Good news! I'm only racist against certain long extinct ancient Neanderthal races. Their bones look stupid!
I thought he was the man of my dreams. The dreams where a man chases me down & makes me purchase his loose pudding in the muddy woods.
So is Joey spelled the traditional way or the alternate timeline moon colony way, Goei? Ok the traditional way. I should have just tasted the gravity for a minute & figured it out myself.
Have you heard of this? I got this great new surgery. They made me sterile. I think it means when I get sick my germs don't spread to anyone.
You know there's gotta be somebody out there who refuses to use emojis because he's racist against Asians.
He's so racist when he goes shopping he checks all the labels, "Made in China? No thank you!"
I don't think this guy heard my name right, he keeps calling me "Frank Lee." Should I correct him or would that be too embarrassing for him?
These punk kids always bragging about their morality. "I'm not gonna lie.." Tell it to a priest kid.
1: He's got a doctor's appointment.
2: Why does he work here too if he's a doctor?
1: I lost some pounds
2: That's too bad. I blame Brexit.
That guy is a total grammar Nazi, always speaking German.
I go to work. #LikeAnEmployee
I'm a one man dynasty & I still got kids!
Future man, "Siri, I've got a steak in front of me. How to I eat this thing?"
Future Siri, "It is my understating of spoons that one is not needed at this time."
Southerners are bad:
Southern Women, "I like my tibacci like I like my men, burnin & covered in white."
Southern Men, "I like my women like I like my guns, smokin & full of bullets."
Do you know what I think the worst politically correct term is? It's not what you may think.
It's "significant other."
Think about it, we're talking about the most important person in your life.. significant.
"Well I'd say you at the very least are notable my dear."
"Honey who I am I to you?"
"Let me see, well you're not me.. so..euh.. Other?"
But there are worse things you could call your partner... pardner. Arenas for example make for terrible pet names..
"Oh Quicken loans arena you are the light of my life!"
"My darling AT&T stadium, I cannot live without you!"
Radio stations have this problem too,
"Q107 FM, there's no one I'd rather spend my life with."
"102.9 The Buzz I don't know where I'd be without you."
"Hey, 103.3 WVIG THE PIG, I wantta get next to you tonight"
And as you get older you switch the pet names to AM radio stations,
"WHBQ 560 AM I'm so thankful to have spent all these years with you"
You know those stickers on the back car window that show the members of your family? Those sure make it easy to case a joint for a robbery.
Just walk by the driveway,
"Ok, there's two adults, two kids, & a dog. Gotta remember the dog, better bring a distraction."
But the thing is, if you use the goofy ones based on fictional creatures the robbers will still follow it the best they can.
"Oh they got a slug monster. That must mean they have hardwood floors because no one with carpets would have a slug monster as a pet. Ahh guff! I'm gonna have to get the cursed amulet of Drysylsuggatanonga to dry the slug out or it will engulf me in it's slime for all eternity. Hmm that's a big hassle, maybe I should check the neighbors. Hey cool, they have a wookie!"
Can't get car out of mail.
Tiny ninjas hiding in walnuts eating nuts to stay alive. Maybe we'll never be attacked. Don't eat walnuts, let the ninjas die.
Wound words walking. A light blitter fnight. Thumbtack made of meat but not thumb meat. Rare steak drying on a clothes line. Flies found five new floods underground. Wedge has rotted into zedge.
No double ticks, faster burning wicks. Orange bowling blitz. Lay down like paper knifing butter, a nice slice.
Log cabins won't last at fire camp. Sight sign or side side. Double sided on one side. Stack a bend, lend a fold.
Who has stronger teeth? Can you hear it become dark? In the flash of an ear. Testify about triangles.
Gnawing leafing caudered, underground is not soddered. Grass needs sun. Sun spins with fun. W shoes, clone gets double you shoes. No crayon eraser to erase the blues. No hand in glove but glove in use when it was cool to nail gloves to the wall.
If you want to be in my dreams let me sleep, let me sleep.
If you write on me you wrong on me.