Saturday, August 31, 2013

+=- 27.9972602739726027

Melody is the best baby & she eats things that are the consistency of gravy.

If you are what you eat then I'm tasty sweet & loved by millions. #eatingdonuts

Remember that time Edgar gave you that wooden toast & you were in the hospital for 3 years? No? Yeah we thought you had lost your memory.

I found a purple monkey in the dishwasher! You washed your pink plate again! You know you can't mix colored dishes with white dishes.

Check out my beautiful eyes i i

Pokemon seem dumb, just saying their own name all the time. But Pokemon use mouth telepathy. They transmit their thoughts through sound-waves because how else could they get them to your mind? Mouth telepathy is the only real telepathy.

Circa Feb 2002:
shaved is rollar couch

Stuffed Chip

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

+=- Tresident

Kids who grow up on a farm have more expected of them because so many other things grow on a farm thus just simply growing is not as impressive.

He drove the Cadillac of unicycles so the foam teeth hammers would be 46% off on Grayish Purple Tuesday, the worst shopping day of the Jalali calendar year.

Jean was so uncomfortable kissing in public that she got married at Make-Out Point at 10:27 PM on the night of the local prom. A few teen couples nearby accidentally eloped because they kissed at the same time as the bride & the groom, Mr. Hackenschmidt.

5 armed Zeidslurtz was excited to visit earth to participate in high-fives because on his planet beings only have 4 hands. His Omnegtolitum-English dictionary misled him however & he was greatly disappointed in we two-handed humans. He was going to destroy the earth until he saw someone giving away free kittens in a shopping parking lot. He know lives in Normal, IL enjoying petting his 5 kitties.

Despite some Americans despise illegal aliens Mexicans amazingly have diplomatic immunity on most planets.

Glick had 5 toasters stationed outside his backdoor just in case any of his toasts tried to escape to say kind things at parties.

Some people think we are supposed to bring heaven to earth, but it just doesn't work. The best we can do is to get the lion & the lamb to sleep in a bunk bed.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

+=- Grey Spray Painted Windows

I used to be a very shady fellow but since I lost some weight I don't cast as much shade.

Raindrops began to wear jackets with lightning bolts on them, real lightning bolts. This was lightning's sole chance to do more than just taste the earth. The rain pooled into electrified puddles. Tiny lights were falling from the sky. It is so hard to celebrate such dangerous beauty.

Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.

You can't light a fire under someone twice in the same year because once their bottom is burnt they won't sit down the same way.

He never learned anything in class so he took a class on how to take classes & because of the circular nature of it all he never learned anything, not just in class but anywhere in life. It was a good thing he was already 150 years old & knew everything he needed to know.

Filter bowl carpet sponge ellet.

The refrigerator is riding a motorcycle. The mini-fridge is riding a motortricycle.

Monday, August 26, 2013

+ = - Banana Brot

Colors in the park & I'm a wrench. Built to build but I cannot build other wrenches so my greater purpose is not great & my meaning is mean to me.

When you fall in the woods you cann appreciate the ground. You are barely over it & so close to being under it.

I wore my teeth as mouth necklaces all summer long.

When they were passing out disasters in heaven he didn't take one. The rest of us went through the line multiple times because we foolishly thought it was noble.

He had an app that scanned his surroundings & pulled up user reviews of everything in existence. Yet he still didn't trust a soul.

It is customary in some non-Tuvaluan cultures for the parents of the bride to put a wedge in-between the bride & groom, a grapefruit wedge. This was the only way Maori businesswomen could sell any fruit because in Piemerican Ecuador you can pick fruit for free provided you have arms or toes.

Gnell learned how to fry an egg on her back porch. She got strange looks for having a porch attached to her shoulders.

1 million people a day bathe in onions. They are the tiny people we eat but never see.

In evolutionism stew made Stu. In creationion Stu made you but later changed His name to Jesus.

Deserts have trees but when you are not looking invisible palm trees eat all of the other trees, roots & all.

I bought some apple sauce at the store the other day. It tasted redundant eating it on my apples. It was like buying ketchup sauce for catsup. What a scam!

Toonairy had a terrible dirt hoarding problem but no one ever noticed because he kept it all under his house in his secret cavern.

He wasn't your ordinary man made of ice that can only digest fire. No, there were no ordinary guys like that. When he goes out to dinner he has to have you throw liquid nitrogen on him every time he takes a bite. And he can't bite because his teeth melt. He fasts as long as he can but everytime he eats his shape changes dramatically. I've never seen a guy like him, not even him.

You:  We lived near each other.
Me:  No... where?
You:  Near each other.
Me:  No.
You:  One Four
Me:  Two Love
You:  Street
Me:  Not there. You were never home.
You:  You saw me!
Me:  Yes & you were never home.
You:  You're right. I never LIVED near you.

Your Butler:  There are some men here for you madam.
You Are A Woman:  Tell them I was never here & they were never men.
Your Butler:  Gentlemen you were never here & she was never a woman.
Some Men (You're probably one of them):  What is this fiction?
Your Pretend Butler:  But of course.
Some Pretend Men:  But if this is fiction how can we trust you?
Your Pretend Butler (who is retiring in 3 weeks):  You can't because you were never here.
Some Pretend Men (minus 1):  But are you here?
Your Pretend Butler:  Not for long because this is the last line of the script. Some Pretend Men:  We'll see about that! Your Pretend Butler:  Oh my, someone has been misoperating the carriage return.

Toasters are where toasts have their funerals. Our butter & plates are their afterlife.

He was a true Renaissance man. The kind that chefs made salads for.

Hippie Teacher (who has field trips to teach in the forest):  Aristotle didn't have electricity & he turned out fine.
Stu Dent:  How do you know he didn't turn into a weredolphin at night since there were no lights?
Hippie Teacher:  He did but becoming a weredolphin is the noblest cause in human history.
Stu Ding:  I am bad at recycling. Should I just wrap myself in trash like a mummy to replace my clothes?
Hippie Teacher:  Yes but not banana peels. Banana's are our true DNA half-brothers.
Sue Skrach:  Since pollution will destroy the world why don't we crash into cars until there aren't any cars anymore?
Hippie Teacher:  Because one of those people we auto-murder could end up coming up with a cure for step-mother Earth.
Freddy Flattyre:  What do you mean step-mother earth?
Hippie Teacher:  We're all originally from the planet Tetrionfour but our dad, Time, got a divorce & now we live on step-mother Earth. This is why we have so many natural disasters. Step-mother just cannot love us as much as mummy did. (Sheds a single tear from each eye then wipes them). This is also why bananas are the true sons of Earth.
Ted Enthetrunk:  What happened to daddy Time?
Hippie Teacher:  He died. Now there is no time.
Olivia Brokenpassengersidemirror:  Then when is this happening?
Hippie Teacher:  It isn't. Now there is no more time for questions.
All (The Complete Car):  Now there is no time at all.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Star & Micey's of Other Dimensions

The truth of life is that in every alternate dimension the only thing different is that proper nouns are all anagrams of each other. I've been to 45 alternate dimensions & Star & Micey has a different name in each one. Here are my favorite ones. Note this is with "and" spelled out & not as &, Ampersands are the enemy of extra-galaxian-phonospheric-talmadge. If you thought Star & Micey's name was silly in this dimension check out these hilarious alternate reality names they DO have.

Dramatic Yens
Daycare Mints
Marinade Cyst
Dairyman Sect
Yardman Cites
Cards Anytime
Amnesic Tardy
Semantic Yard
Scream Dainty
Ancestry Maid
Carneys Admit
Narc Daytimes (as in narcoleptic, I know because I asked Job Cos Shy, Heft Fig Oms, & Doc Nerd Mink)
Scant Midyear
Cyan Readmits (Pronounced Red mitts)
Sac Dynamiter
Cat's Dairymen
A Card's Enmity
A Mantis' Cyder
Maniac Ed's Try
My Dance Stair (My favorite)

Cayman Stride
Arcades Minty
Canary Misted
Tradesman Icy
Syndicate Arm
Cyanide Trams
Decay Martins
Dancers Amity
Dynamic Rates
Rancid Steamy
Miscreant Day
Stance Myriad
Antics Dreamy
Scanty Admire
Can't Midyears
A Dynastic Rem
Canard Ye Smit
Dry Satan Mice
Aced My Trains
A Candy Remits (A C&y Remits)
A Sandy Metric
AM Stridency A
Mandate Cry Is..

Get closer to this dimension's Star & Micey @

Friday, August 2, 2013

+=- The Pre-quill

My clock is awesome! It can take phone calls & is like a handheld computer. (As you can tell I've decided to start calling my phone a clock because for a phone it is cheap but for a clock it is frazzle-rackin amazing!)

This is Precious Roy & my Idaho is made of fresh cooked meat.
No Precious what about the steam ice maker?
Buy my elastic cinnamon razors. Suckers!

I don't even watch movies that involve screens. I watch the old ones projected by carousels. They don't have sounds or colors or visible particles but they are the artsiest because they are like real life minus all of the car related drama.

I'm a homeless person using nearby wifi on my iPad. They will hit me with bread bottles if I use too much bandwidth. I am near the cheesepie ancillary tumult facitility.

I will bring you eggshells & spork your cat's belt with a mini-gram solder you corduroy hobbler!

What you said was so disgusting I've been sick for 16 years & I just found out why.

When the apeocalypse comes you will wish you spent more time spending.