Friday, August 25, 2017

Old Lessons Expanded

I went to a self defense class. I asked the instructor, "What do I do if a thug draws a knife on me?" He says, "Wash it off."

I was in the produce section of the grocery store I ask the guy there, "Where were these navel oranges grown?" He says, "On a boat."

Remember, it's a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar! I know it can be confusing with all the digital cameras & such but the floppy pictures cannot talk! Kids these days, they have cellars but don't know whether or not photo paper can talk. I knew it would come to this, I just didn't know it would be so soon. I mean you can tell a tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't. So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger!

I didn't get my driver's license until I was 20. I was a slow learner when it came to driving. I failed my first on the road driving test because I sat at a stop sign for 40 minutes. After about 2 minutes the instructor was yelling at me, "What are you doing? Go! Go!" I yelled back, "I don't see a go sign anywhere around here! Do you?" Then she got out of the car & went back into the DMV. 38 minutes later she has a cop pull me out of the car. They sentenced me to a driver's ed class. I said, "I don't need more training you just need better signs!" Three things in that story are true. One of them is that stop signs exist.

There are disclaimers on everything these days. I was reading a sales paper for the local grocery store and it said about one product, "You'll love the taste!" Then at the bottom it had a disclaimer that said, "results only occur when eaten or tasted." As if that weren't enough it then said, "Results are subjective may not be true for you." If lawyers didn't dress so nice I just wouldn't understand why average people are eager to have law suits.

They say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother but Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children. Figure that out! What stupid lyrics. & Isaac Hayes is from the county I grew up in yet I still don't understand it.

I once said "Hey look at me!" & then someone who was there stalked me for the rest of my life. Sometimes you've gotta be careful. Make sure you say, "Hey look at me! But only for a few seconds."

I had a tech problem so weird I had to consult a specialist. I told him whenever I check my e-mail my computer shuts down but only if my dog is nearby. He said it was because computers are the new mailmen. I'm still waiting to see the cartoons reflect this. We get e-mail on everything now. I'm surprised we haven't all been murdered by our dogs.

I've never been so sad to see something go as that time I got ran over by an ambulance & it didn't come back to pick me up. Thankfully it wasn't heart breaking but unfortunately it was bone crushing.

Anyone here go the movies lately? Not me. I'm so broke the only time I go to the movies is to look for discarded ticket stubs to burn for warmth.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Getting Small Talk Slightly Wrong

What are you doing tonight?
Who are you doing tonight?

Don’t work too hard.
Don't work.

Beautiful day, isn't it?
Beautiful isn't it? (while pointing somewhere on your person)

Did you catch the news today?
Did you catch the news today? The paperboy loves it when I do it! Especially when I catch it in my mouth like a dog.

You look like you could use a cup of coffee.
You look like you could use loose coffee, on your lap.

How about this weather?
When about this weather?

Nice place, huh?
Nice thing, heuh?

You look like you've got your hands full.
You look like you've got your feet full.

How old are your kids?
How old are your clothes?

How long have you been waiting?
How depth have you been waiting?

Looking forward to the weekend?
Looking forward to 2047?