I started writing this as a list of "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" but soon after The Late Show with Stephen Colbert began having Late Show Confessions & I began to write & submit some as those.
I abandoned my car in a no parking zone.
I believed It's Not Butter®.
I had a relative I didn't like so I drained him of all his blood so we'd no longer be blood related.
I only befriend vegans so I can say, "Where's the beef?" more often.
After 25 years I finally stopped watching The Simpsons. Now I watch the new couple who moved into their house next door.
My favorite book is the bible but only because it's the one book I can claim as my favorite without being expected to have read the whole thing.
My lifelong dream is to have my tweet read on tv. It was very hard to explain for those 1st 20 years.
I think Sgt. Pepper is a horrible album & an even worse pepper.
God has never woken me up during church & that is why I believe He loves me.
If my phone dies I recharge it & ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, I let it die again
I feed the homeless but only so I can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.
I like to leave letters addressed to my mailman in my mailbox just so he knows I know where he lives too.
I say I run marathons but in reality, I've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.
I demand my pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox. It's easier to get them syrupy.
I've typed lol without actually laughing out loud because I like to wear a recreational gag.
Recycled & rewritten
I only let people off an elevator before me because it's the sole scenario where I'm thanked for doing nothing.
I once ate crackers on toast & didn't sweep up after myself.
I prefer resting to being interesting.
I only say "Have a great day!" to my calendar.
When I tell people I have a photographic memory I'm actually talking about my digital camera.
I started to write the quitter's anthem but gave up half way through.
I once jumped off a bridge then all my friends did too, I was the only survivor.
Whenever I take a stroll in heavy rain I pee freely.
I like to say, "Hey the sun looks weird today" just to get people to look up & hurt their eyes.
If someone says, "I've gotta pee." I ask them, "What are you going to spell with it?"
I think OJ did it & by "it" I mean tasted great!
The 1st time I heard a police siren I thought R2-D2's crazy cousin was on the loose.
Truth is I'm only 1/3 vegan because I don't eat meat while I'm asleep.
The reason I eat so much on my birthday is because I want to actually feel a year older when I’m done eating.
Recycled, not rewritten
I'm so much of a quitter I give up when I'm not even doing anything.
I swallow my pride for lunch because it always fills me up.
When I go to the buffet I don't stop eating til I lose consciousness.
I like to fill in awkward silences. Still awkward but no silence.
I don't make excuses, I just use them.
If you are what you eat then I'm a lot of things, but mostly food.
I really really really need to start using a thesaurus.
I'm a mad scientist because I'm not good at science.
I eat so much that I bring a paramedic with me to buffets.
I once said to a deaf man, "Don't believe everything you hear."
I helped an old lady cross the road.. into a euthanasia clinic.
I held a door open for someone.. at 40,000 feet, there were no survivors.
I use comedy as a mask to hide my unfunniness.
I can't afford dark chocolate so I just eat regular chocolate with the lights off.