Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Piemerican Phonetic Numerals

A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo… the phonetic alphabet is helpful for understanding what letters are being verbally conveyed. To close out No.vember, I present such a system that I have devised for numbers!

0 as in Oh no, please no! Why!? #ElectionNight2016
1 as in One Night Stand, that boring "magic trick" David Blaine did where he just stood up all night.
2 as in Too Legit to Quit
3 as in 3 Men and a Baby
4 as in Forthright
5 as in 5 dollar bill, y'know the one with Lincoln on it. The one made out of paper.
6 as in 666, because if you say it 3 times it's obvious you're saying six
7 as in 7 fingers
8 as in I just ate an eight
9 as in No
10 as in 2
11 as in the number that rhymes with seven that isn't .7
12 as in a non-baker's dozen
13 as in T Minus 13 seconds
14 as in a teen that is also a fort
15 as in 9+5-6÷8x42-26.4-.7+.1
16 as in "16! She said she was 18, I swear!"
17 as in the front half of the Titanic
18 as in "Congratulations you're old enough to no longer need my help clarifying number pronunciations!"
19 as in the age of your mother's new boyfriend, no not that one, the other one, yeah Francisco, no no, Francisco L., ok just forget it! I'm not getting into middle initials!
20 as in XX
21 as in the past tense of "20 wins!"
22 as in twenty also
23 as in the reason you quit your job at the daycare, twenty 3 year olds
24 as in 24 Seven, the guy named Seven who wears #24 in that popular sports club
25 as in draw and quarter
26 as in 2016 without the teen
27 as in 5 high fives & 1 high two
28 asa ina 28a incha suba sandwicha
29 as in "29 dollars! I could get this for half that price online! Ah but then you have to wait for the shipping. Ugh, alright, I'll take it, but I'm not happy. Look deep into my scowl & remember this before you go to sleep at night!"
30 as in 4/8 an hour
31 as in when you say, "Bear with me" to someone & they say, "Hey Boo-Boo!" then the number of seconds it takes you to remember what Boo-Boo's voice sounds like.

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