Corpse storage locations that are worse than caskets

Bouncy House
Buffet
Fish Tank/Aquarium
Mall Fountain
Koi Pond
Flag Pole
Alley
Car/Convertible
Carnival Rides
Lawn Chair
Jello Mold
Pool
Pool Table
Mashed Potatoes sans Gravy
Petting Zoo
Kennel
Oven
Produce Isle
At the End of a Rope
On a Cross
Basketball Hoop
Pee Wee Football Field
Inside Another Human Carcass
Out Yonder
Behind Anything

Apps we desperately need

• App you sign promising you won't press charges so you can fight people legally
   Includes video with face tracking that makes sure contract is not signed under duress
• Redwood tree app
   plant a redwood tree and simulate its growth since it will be growing long after you're dead
• The Flavor of Colors
   Discover What flavor a color of food is. what fruit is the red Skittle? what flavor is this brand of green popsicle? Are all M&Ms really the same flavour?
• Twigslist
   find Twigs to glean from other people's yards
• Add your ant farm to Google Maps

https://li.st/EmperorMAR/apps-we-desperately-need-1UyQ8IwOfcgCCp5mUfxykR

Food as clothing and accessories, Worse to do while completely underwater, Reasons cobras hate lemons

Food as clothing and accessories

• Gutted fish fanny pack

• Onion goggles

• Spaghetti chain mail

• Mini-Stack of Pringles in place of a watch

• Creamed corn foundation

• Half watermelon shoes

• Grapefruit elbow pads

• Chocolate thong

Worse to do while completely underwater

• Blowing up or playing with balloons

   ►They keep floating to the top & you keep drowning

• Chopping wood

• Changing a tire

• Putting on lotion

• Conference calling

• Cooking soup

• Cracking eggs

• Walking your dog

Reasons cobras hate lemons

• Cobras are carnivorous.

• I keep throwing lemons at them, stupid cobras

https://li.st/EmperorMAR

+=- Heading to the Footer

Dresser drawers organized from top of body down:
Windex flavored chainmails
Vampire Capes
Fishnet Cummerbunds
Government Issued Chaps
Porcelain Dress Socks
(Warning! System does not work for overalls, underalls, or floor length neck ruffs.)

Natural Grease
Who needs hair gel when you've got natural grease? Use it to fix squeaky doors (please do not get hair stuck in door hinge).
Get my new book "Harnessing the power of your natural grease."
Follow my 2 step guide:
1. Skip Showers.
2. Put meat on yo head.

Windows on Windows
I don't care about the Apple Watch or the Google Glass. I'm still waiting for Microsoft Windows on my actual windows.

It'll tell you what breed of dog walks by, keep an Excel spreadsheet of what time the mailman comes. You can display a wallpaper to let you feel like you live in a better neighborhood.

Eventually you can upgrade to the touch screendoor, which I think would actually be easier to create because it's got the pixel squares already built in.

Nights of the Week:
Sunnight
Monnight
Tuesnight
Wednesnight
Thursnight
Frinight
Saturnight

Ghost Sheet Scariness Countdown:
4. Flowery Sheet
3. Polka dot sheet
2. Plain white sheet
1. Soiled white sheet

Cool Names:
Greg Gary
Dede Dea
Charlie Lee
Leon Aerol (Lee on a roll)
Hiya Heyman

+=- I can't keep .

I blame my obesity on exposure to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

I'm drug & alcohol free even if it's free.

These walls block all UV rays! (Bouncing light not included)

How many woodchucks would Chuck chuck if Chuck could chuck woodchucks?

Sorry but we can't afford to get you a pony but we can get you a ponytail.

How many 14th century Turks does it take to screw in a light bulb in the 14th century?

I think it is great that people don't use the names of famous killers as names for their kids. No one today is ever named Genghis, Adolph, OJ, Ted, Jeffrey, or Jim.

Have you realized that your mom telling you about starving kids in Africa has made you overweight?

🕮👀😢 = "I'm illiterate."

My daughter is amazing. The first time she picked up an orange crayon she could draw shredded cheese.

Frisbees are sports tortillas. That is why they are so hard, because sports humans have hard muscles.

Celebrate Grave Digging Day, because a funeral is never goodbye.

At the end of the year I would like to run for Student Council President & lose horribly, just for fun?

As the hosts, we had to set things up & set things down.

I don't know who this Hitler guy was but he must not have been particularly bad to have had so many people compared to him.

People act like participation trophies are a bad thing. There weren't participation trophies when I was growing up & I didn't participate. These trophies are an incentive to participate. How else are you going to get apathetic kids to do something as pointless as sports? News flash, adults get participation trophies too, it's called a wage. If you didn't get paid, you wouldn't work for competition & victory or love of the game

I bought a folding chair for my laundry room. It must be defective. It hasn't folded a single article I've put on it.

On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day. If I had more money that number would rise significantly.

I can't keep   .
[The joke of the title is I can't keep up but there is no "up" in the title because I couldn’t keep it.]

©? Piemerica 2001, 2002, 2006 & latter years

What's the worst thing you've ever done? or #LateShowConfessions

I started writing this as a list of "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" but soon after The Late Show with Stephen Colbert began having Late Show Confessions & I began to write & submit some as those.

Newly Written
I abandoned my car in a no parking zone.
I believed It's Not Butter®.
I had a relative I didn't like so I drained him of all his blood so we'd no longer be blood related.
I only befriend vegans so I can say, "Where's the beef?" more often.
After 25 years I finally stopped watching The Simpsons. Now I watch the new couple who moved into their house next door.
My favorite book is the bible but only because it's the one book I can claim as my favorite without being expected to have read the whole thing.
My lifelong dream is to have my tweet read on tv. It was very hard to explain for those 1st 20 years.
I think Sgt. Pepper is a horrible album & an even worse pepper.
God has never woken me up during church & that is why I believe He loves me.
If my phone dies I recharge it & ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, I let it die again
I feed the homeless but only so I can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.
I like to leave letters addressed to my mailman in my mailbox just so he knows I know where he lives too.
I say I run marathons but in reality, I've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.
I demand my pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox. It's easier to get them syrupy.
I've typed lol without actually laughing out loud because I like to wear a recreational gag.

Recycled & rewritten
I only let people off an elevator before me because it's the sole scenario where I'm thanked for doing nothing.
I once ate crackers on toast & didn't sweep up after myself.
I prefer resting to being interesting.
I only say "Have a great day!" to my calendar.
When I tell people I have a photographic memory I'm actually talking about my digital camera.
I started to write the quitter's anthem but gave up half way through.
I once jumped off a bridge then all my friends did too, I was the only survivor.
Whenever I take a stroll in heavy rain I pee freely.
I like to say, "Hey the sun looks weird today" just to get people to look up & hurt their eyes.
If someone says, "I've gotta pee." I ask them, "What are you going to spell with it?"
I think OJ did it & by "it" I mean tasted great!
The 1st time I heard a police siren I thought R2-D2's crazy cousin was on the loose.
Truth is I'm only 1/3 vegan because I don't eat meat while I'm asleep.
The reason I eat so much on my birthday is because I want to actually feel a year older when I’m done eating.

Recycled, not rewritten
I'm so much of a quitter I give up when I'm not even doing anything.
I swallow my pride for lunch because it always fills me up.
When I go to the buffet I don't stop eating til I lose consciousness.
I like to fill in awkward silences. Still awkward but no silence.
I don't make excuses, I just use them.
If you are what you eat then I'm a lot of things, but mostly food.
I really really really need to start using a thesaurus.
I'm a mad scientist because I'm not good at science.
I eat so much that I bring a paramedic with me to buffets.
I once said to a deaf man, "Don't believe everything you hear."
I helped an old lady cross the road.. into a euthanasia clinic.
I held a door open for someone.. at 40,000 feet, there were no survivors.
I use comedy as a mask to hide my unfunniness.
I can't afford dark chocolate so I just eat regular chocolate with the lights off.

+=- Just in time for too late..

Hello rotisserie pig

"Let me lay down & fight" - Melody Joy, age 3

I'm so lazy I never say, "You're Welcome" because I feel like it would be dishonest to make people think they are welcome to my help again.

Pro:  I'm pro pro.
Apro:  I think things should be done for free.

2+2=4 but so does 3+1. And what if you pour buttery buffalo pesto all over the 4? It's still a four but now, if it were on a spacecraft (in space) some of the pesto might float off of it dramatically. Oooh the space rats, Daffodil & Wigsmatort will be surprised when they taste its firey flavour.

My influence compares to the darkest depths of the oceans.

Why would you be a rapper when you could be the candybar instead?

How many numbers are in 1? If you said 1, you're wrong, because there are infinite zeroes in 1.

You look like you need less cabbage in your life. You can time potato yellowing?

I've eaten shark or was that the other way around?

Hey
yeh

Oh I mind & I tum too.

"It's like everyone else is a salt water fish & I'm a tarragon fish." He said happily.

I do have a very forgettable face, said no one, because they had already forgotten it before they could speak.

The real question is who would win a fight between Robin & Jimmy Olson.

Whoever has the colloquial idiolect to impress me with their lexiconical vernacular is ok in my papery thing with lots of papers in a harder paper.

I am a good man, I only play people the world's regularest sized violin.

I wish I was still an ape. Dumb scientists testing that shampoo on me!

A pile of oats reaches just as many coils as a trudge in mellow yellow.

I like to borrow tacos & just use the lettuce for cobb salads.

Jubilant January - Lesson Leftovers

The best part about your boyfriend cheating on you with your best friend is that your second best friend will love you even more.

The great thing about life being a path to death is that the journey is more fun than the destination.

The great thing about being a virgin, is that if a homophobe nick names you "Mary" you can call yourself Virgin Mary, one of the most beloved figures in history.

The great thing about junk on the floor is that it slows down home invaders & makes snails leave 4.3-79.9% less slime on the rug.

The great thing about dirt is that you can't get it dirty.

15 years of Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day

Today's the 15th anniversary of Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day. In those 15 years there have been 2,272 lessons. Right now I've had 512 consecutive days with a new lesson. To Sadebrate here is the top lesson of each year!

2001:  Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.
2002:  If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
2003:  When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
2004:  Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.
2005:  Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
2006:  Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.
2007:  Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
2008:  Super is supper with one ‘p’ that is how good supper is you see.
2009:  In athletics often pros are cons.
2010:  There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid statements.
2011:  Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.
2012: They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most girls they are imaginary friends.
2013:  Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.
2014:  You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions just in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.
2015:  You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.

& here is what I consider the greatest lesson of all time.
If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

Fornitude Flotsams: Enornal Thirtiford

I'm like an American Hero because I use the bathroom just like they do. & I'm like a genius! Because like all geniuses I've never tasted the minor planet Aakashshah.

I picked up a magazine about "100 people who changed the world." To my disappointment it was mostly gardeners.

Tell your grandkids to tell their grandkids to expect the package in 6-8 lifetimes. 

I don't have a musical bone in my body. Yeah, I have all my marrow.

I resist a rest when I'm not tired.

I am out of my mind because my mind is in me.

If only bears were as confident as you, we'd all be dead. Good thing bears are still self-loathing. That is why they sleep so much.

Cats taught me everything I know, except "what aren't cats like?" Well I guess they did teach me that inversely.

My me loves that!

I don't read Spanish, though I speak it perfectly. I'm semi-bi-illiterate.

You cloud wearing, egg thumping, Charminavores!

[You are my laugh track.]

So the point of these new smart watches is now when you have to put down your phone to hug someone you can keep your addiction going by looking at the watch behind their back? If not that is a good marketing idea. You can hug while discretely reading this very post.

I think cows & pigs & chickens are ruining the planet by being so tasty & thus making us fat. They evolved tastiness so they could survive by us breeding them because they didn't much fancy being hugged like dogs & cats do. It is actually meat eaters that have prevented these animals from going extinct.

Having living animals in your pie is the healthiest way to eat because the sport of it lends vigorous exercise. If you have gorilla pie with living gorilla in it make sure he has a less than 3 day life expectancy or else he'll be too strong for all humans.

You look like you could fit in my hat.

vanity bucket

My ghost is my spirit animal.

What a coincidence! It's New Years day & my first band was named New & I live in years!

Who's the nicest person you've ever.. kicked in the family jewels?
Mine was the first pope, then he made a whole rule about popes & priests & nuns not having kids to cover his embarrassment. I did it because he wouldn't let me wear his pope hat. I don't take nope from a pope.

I don't think I know everything but I do think I know a decent bit about things I care to know. Knowing everything is boring. Knowing something is what's awesome.

Once & a half

I'm from the corner of here & now.

The twist ending is love.

+=- Just in time for now!

MAR:  My therapist says, "I'll be your therapist if you pay me."

MD:  Don't they all?

MAR:  Not the French ones. They speak French.

I’m good at keeping secrets. It's getting secrets I have the problem doing...

When you're reincarnated you can be a dead cat & a living man at the same time. And I unoffensively use the word "man" in the way woodland creatures would use the term while be threatened by deforestation.

Frozen Ghost

I saw your video. I have that same remote! The ransom is set at 5 Gs.

Double Mono

That's what they call in the window business a window.

Unfolded Folder

Opposites matter:

Breaking into someone's house.

Breaking out of someone's house.

Gouda tastes go….. swell.

Live from New York City, Pennsylvania

I have feelings in my appropriate innards.

Nature would love it if we burned down these trees. I'm referring to Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the trees!"
 

When I was a kid we didn't have windows, we could only stare outside by looking under the crack of the door.

YouNow is a video auction site where you can bid on things in people's houses.

I'm just gonna go outside & watch the real star wars. Sucka stars don't ever do anything unless comets are flyin'.

I only use wicker spoons.

Lesson Mania! now out as free eBook

Originally LessonMania! was going to contain lessons both chronologically (like the website) & categorical (book exclusive). I finished it completely. I uploaded it to the publisher website but due to the high page count it made the book cost too much. I contemplated releasing two separate editions. Ultimately I decided to only release the category edition as the full paperback to save costs & redundancy. Interestingly I also cut an exclusive "About the Author" page with an exclusive image/logo used nowhere in promoting or since.

A 2nd/updated category edition was kept & worked on until 2010. Lack of sales for the book put an end to likely ever having another edition. Thus far (2015) the book has sold 3 copies, 1 to Shirt Man, 1 to Omaha Nebraska, 1 to me, the author & I got my copy last due to being broke for years. Book sales sure would have helped.

I discovered that Cafepress.com had deleted the book from their site without ever notifying me (have no clue how long it's been gone). So with absence of sales & the years gone by I've decided to freely put out the full eBooks of both the original paperback edition & the full version which includes lessons chronologically, that was completed in 2006. An eBook version was sold on Lulu.com but it did not include the front & back covers. These freshly compiled eBooks have both covers & the spine added, & the full version has a color page of the lost Lesson Mania toast which would not have appeared in the paperback (the grey version appears just a page before).

Now here is the knowledge of Piemerica iced for the drinking (ice not included).

Lesson Mania! Webpage |  Lesson Mania! Chronological & Categorical Ed.

+=- Incremental High 5

Fake Channels:
Death Match Channel where corpses go on blind dates
Invisible Snowmen Channel
The Morally Upstanding Clown with a Chainsaw Channel
Bottled Water Training Channel
The Evangelize a Lost Sock Channel

I enjoy sleeping on my life bed.

I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing for you, so you can see the humor in the situation.

I hit a bifecta!

I'm an expert in uninary. It's easy, it's just zeroes.

Once & a half

You should wear grippers instead of slippers. You could get hurt!

I like that you use verbs. I can understand you that way.

"Hello" is a quote from 4,600 movies.

This is an arrow that doesn't point.
Sorry that was a pointless joke.

I'm unpopular, so I just bought a bunch of box fans at the store to keep myself from crying.

You should hang Christmas ornaments from your eyeglasses.

Wagons made of jello cotton candy

What's in the cup, strawberry blood, otherwise known as strawberry juice?

Ordered some toast online. Gotta say I prefer home made toast. It's not hot when you get it in the mail & if you re-heat it in the toaster, it burns. That's a no recurring customers business model.

Opposites matter:
I'd sure like to bone her.
I'd sure like to debone her.

I'm classy.  I only send middleless pics online.

Back in my day we only had two notes, B & B#. Before that they only had B#.

When I was a lad, Bill Gates was just Bill Gate.

It's a little known lie that most ghosts are Siamese ghosts.

You really regargoyle my onion. You know that?

KJ12:  You should write a book.
MAR:  Why? Books can't write back.

....Undelivered Master Cherries..

Followed by infinitely defeated liver costumes, race was a ripe window of underused silk radishes. I was a thigh lift roanoke of undelivered master cherries. Thoughts reinforce tiger laundry. Trains rattle inside of string jars. Who farmed seeing invisible lights? My thoughts, "Exactly." Did you shrink down to basket size? But baskets can be lots o' sizes. How many chandeliers can you hang in your treeless yard?

I multiceive groups'. How many costs to shearing quarters? A middling non-abundance of phantom barrishes. Bread testimonies about transtoasting. How many histograms does it take to walk your dawg to the 3rd moon of Neptune?

Are These Flags Any Less Prejudice?

The Lone Star, Lone WHITE Star

What? No polar bears?

Not a triangle in sight..

+=- Lakes in Boxes

What's shakin'?

Yo, what's icedtean'?

Yo, what's cherrylimeaidin?

Hey, what's bottledwaterin'?

What's liptonbriskicedtean'?

I know more about camels than jars of nails do but you don't see me bragging about it more than once.

MAR:  I'm from an alternate dimension

Stranger:  No you're not

MAR:  Not alternate to yours, alternate to someone else's

If I prefer my closets be painted white on the inside does that make me a closet racist?

I graduated when I was 17 because I was smart.. enough to be born at the right time of the year.

I live by the motto:  Don't make up a motto to live by because you'll box yourself in.

Wicker cups

I like to take siestas down short term memory lane.

M D: What do you define as rich?

MAR:  Yachty instead of Yahtzee.

I……

….have a lot of extra dots. Do you want some?………

M D:  Let's talk about how I burned 600 calories at the gym

MAR:  You set fire to a double cheeseburger? My gym doesn't like me setting fires, that why I don't go.

M D:  Ohhh is that why?

MAR:  Well that & it's not there anymore, it burnt down somehow. We had a meat lovers pizza party to celebrate it.

I used to try to get people to catch my drift & they'd always miss. Now I ain't got no drifts left.

I eat twice a year, if a year is 2 days long.

M D:  I'm driving in the rain.

MAR:  I was always the caddy.

I'm some about using subtle word differences. If I were all about it that would be peculiar.

Internet is better for your teeth than candy.

If you could rate your mood on a scale of 1-7 leaving out 4-6 what would it be?

For me, I'd say a wire of unknown metal 3.-3548216

Does not compute or brainpute.

Stranger:  Where are you from?

MAR:  Here or there, depending on where I am at the moment

Did you ever meet the shale oil whisperer of saskawaukee?

Y'know... If I had a fridge for every color in the alphabet I don't know what I'd have.

Transmogrify any corn ice lately?

I don't think I know everything but I do think I know a decent bit about things I care to know. Knowing everything is boring. Knowing something is what's awesome.

I like the star that whispers about hamburger cooking safety in sentient cows ears.

If we used a scale from negative infinity to positive infinity we'd know 0 was in the middle. So, if you asked "How was your day?" & I was judging my day on the -/+ infinity scale & I, without telling you what scale I was using, said "I'd rate my day at a 0" it would sound like the worst to you but would actually be right in the middle.

Howdy, Whichdy, Wheredy, Whody, Whatdy

Things You've Never Heard on Your Birthday

Since you knew you'd be hearing "Happy Birthday" today here is something you never thought you'd hear

If you scribble on tarmacs with frozen air by next next next June you'll never need chalk scissors again.

The eggs are growing leather inside to infiltrate breakfast with beef. But I know you'll keep everything springy for the rest of us.

Congrats your life has not been erased by a time traveler in this timeline unless you're General Geoinge.

Your ridged pelt has a fine left. Put rights on the almonds & you will have a smelted foyer.

I was going to put caterpillars in my veins but I wasn't strong enough. You're good at welcoming palisades underwater with felt.

Hope your garbanzo lengthening is going well.

You'll now spend 5year% time on the wallet train basking in fjord canyons.

Have fun spackling the werewolf factory with fire cone lettering!

It is a good time to still be alive. Have some bread with the gopher at the park.

I heard your ears & they work! You can never be too shelf.

I have an invisible & immaterial hang glider for you in the twelfth dimension. But don't feel bad because everything in that dimension is incorporeal, so much so I'm beginning to think the 12th dimension doesn't exist.

Enjoy milking the peppers from your garden with your new desk wrench!

Party on with your landcolor diamondique lizard ranch envelope!

If you were a piece of paper no one would ball you up. You'd be the hoop, net, end zone, or other size of the fence.

The leaves are ripe today. It is thrilling to have such a foamed vest!

A branch joyous weds. A breach wounds joys. A cab sojourned whys.

You were born too!! That explains how you got here.

+=- |up|

The answer in short is yes,  in slightly less short is yeah, in medium is indeed.

Does your middle name get jealous of your first name?
 

M D: I'm more of a sausage person than a bacon person.
MAR:  I look more sausagy than bacony too, rounded forearms & all.  

 

People think it is silly when I say, "Back in my day.." yet they have no problem asking "How was your day?"

You're the reason I think I had a day!

This is the end of the day's trail for the old sandusky spike cruller.
 

I rank my day as somewhere between a kaleidoscope of only oranges & a ziplock bag of water, like 6/7ths full. 

 

1:  How did you sleep?
2:  Horizontally

 

Shut up = |up|

+=- Fresh Anchors

Hi
Lo

Hey
Yo

I'm no expert when it comes to communication. I don't even know what a pert is, so there's no way I coulda been one.

Cats taught me everything I know, except "what aren't cats like?" Well I guess they did teach me that inversely.

I am older than most peaches at the grocery. At least I hope so.

I'm so old I've got grandkids.. of my mother, otherwise known as my kids.

Some say talking to me is like pulling teeth. They're right. It should only be done by professionals. #TheyreComingToTakeMeAwayHaHaaa

They don't let me near zebras… of course they don't let anybody else near them either.

Usually fingers don't fing but when they do ohohoh nelly, you better have a full size cabbage in your back pocket!

I am expressing my appreciation in this sentence, this sentence right here, the one you are reading now because you can only read now.

To say next to the least.. I'm fearless because I don't take up new fears.

I'm amusing & bemusing all rolled into 1 or however many I am.

M D:  Question
MAR:  I can answer those! :) Unless I don't know the answer :( .

You've gotta warn me next time & all the other next times after that.

MAR:  I checked & myiceweasel is ok with purple pens flying under Tampane Bridge mockups.
Char:  I actually have no idea what you are talking about
MAR:  No worries, I only have 1 idea what I'm talking about
Char:  really?
MAR:  Yeah but I lost it so I couldn't tell you what I meant anymore

I always wanted to talk to a block of ice that's why I do it regularly.

You're all so young. I've got antiques older than you.

I'm older than the oldest person you know by at least 3 days. If the oldest person you know disagrees with me I will fight them.

Questions are dumb & so are statements.

Why did the wallet throw away the man?
Because he was broke.

I'm half white, like a milk you'd throw away.

What do you call a cop without a mustache?
A kindergarten cop

Who's the nicest person you've ever.. kicked in the family jewels?
Mine was the first pope, then he made a whole rule about popes & priests & nuns not having kids to cover his embarrassment. I did it because he wouldn't let me wear his pope hat. I don't take nope from a pope.

I can read almost any language. I just don't know what the words mean or how to pronounce the properly.

Rubbing a bank using a guy named Rob is robbing a bank? or no?

People eat catfish but would you eat dogfish or peoplefish?

I'd only date you if I were an archeologist & you were bones.

The importance of punctuation inclusion.
M D:  What's your name
MAR:  No sorry, guess again.

My name is spelled with letters.

Would you like to hear a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down.. because i owed bullies money..?

A drama king is good at plays.

beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans
Sorry, looks like I spilled the beans.

Stupid Questions with Stupid Answers

Is a hot dog a sandwich?

No, because if I say, "Get me a sandwich woman!" She ain't ever comin' back with a hot dog.

What is it about death that you fear, exactly?

The skeleton face & the scythe, oh and the power to kill me.

Who says it can't be done? You know it can be done, don't you? If you want it enough, right?

You're right. Time to drown my neighbor's gerbils. I live next to a pet store.

Do you give more than you take? Or take more than you give?

I'm more of a stasis guy.

Who are your role models? How would they act in the situation you are in now?

They'd be like Wow! What is this fancy light book you have?

If you just go for it, what do you have to lose? Is the risk not smaller than doing nothing?

But I was going to take that self-amputation class first.

Are you waiting for permission? What permission do you think you need to move forward, and from whom?

Well those senators never answer my letters directly anyway. So.. It's time to invade Poland.

If you were to start a business, what would it be? What would it do? What would you need to have in place first?

If I started a business I'd be 100% owner so, none of your business.

If you have an important message to offer the world are you delivering it effectively?

No, I tweet it.

How much time have you spent in nature lately? Enough time to calm your mind and rejuvenate your soul?

Naw, there's bugs & dust out there.

If you could wave a magic wand and be anything, be anyone, who would you be?

I'd be a magic wand manufacturer so I could give wands to everyone but kids because they'd turn into cool monsters & accidentally eat their parents.

How do you best connect with others?

Through our Rigellian long protein strings.

What one piece of advice would you offer a newborn child?

Learn to speak English so you can eventually understand other people's advice.

Where would you rather be, than right here, right now?

A couple of minutes from now, but I'll wait.

Is there a supreme power?

Yeah supreme pizzas have a power over me.

What makes you, you?

Dictionaries?

Do you know that delayed gratification is one of the most powerful habits of successful individuals?

No, I was delaying learning about the most powerful habits of successful individuals. Thanks a lot spoiler!

Who did you make better today?

No one, I decided to quit cooking people after the first try. No taste is worth… that.

Is the country you live in really the best fit for you?

Is that a fat joke?

How old would you be if you did not know how old you are?

I'd be the same but stupid.

When it is all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

That's the goal #LikeABoss

Where does the universe end?

In the universe?

Question 1 by Hannibal Burris, all others by @QuestionDeJour

+=- Strange Man with Speaking Feature

I can't afford dark chocolate so I just eat regular chocolate with the lights off.

What is this "ios" I keep hearing about? Is it the cool new way of saying Cheerios?

Kid's Birthday Party Idea:

A Hindenburg themed party where a team of ninja archers blow into to the place to shoot down all the balloons with flaming arrows.

I'm gonna pretend like the space key on my keyboard is some kind of awesome futuristic key that has something to do with outerspace.

When in jail you can read toast with your left hand.

Can someone be bisexist? Bias against both sexes?

Having living animals in your pie is the healthiest way to eat because the sport of it lends vigorous exercise. If you have gorilla pie with living gorilla in it make sure he has a less than 3 day life expectancy or else he'll be too strong for all humans.

I'm a thing that can have words. You read any words today (other than these)?

I think you aight as blue bread ya dig?

You look like you could fit in my hat.

Tell your grandkids to tell their grandkids to expect the package in 6-8 lifetimes.

I knew you'd understand after you indicated that you concurred.

My ghost is my spirit animal.

I'm from the corner of here & now.

Fabric egg caller.

Chicken ghost eggs.

You look young.. enough to have been born in the past 65 million years. What do humans eat now? I gotta keep up appearances.

Rider Drive:  Good luck

MAR:  That's just the kind of luck I needed! How did you know? Are you my bayou bouncing billy goat baton bro?

If only bears were as confident as you, we'd all be dead. Good thing bears are still self-loathing. That is why they sleep so much.

One scratch on the screen & you can't read nil. Sure you can read longer words like kanoodle. But nil with the I & the L, it's hopeless.

L Ren:  -face palm-

MAR:  That would be one creepy hand & so unsanitary.

It is fun for people to have thinks about you in your thoughter.

+=- I'm out of .

[You are my laugh track.]

I hold the world record for most hands. I have a whopping two. But the record is a 7 billion way tie. :'(

I picked up a magazine about "100 people who changed the world." To my disappointment it was mostly gardeners.

I love cracking seriousness with jokes.

So the point of these new smart watches is now when you have to put down your phone to hug someone you can keep your addiction going by looking at the watch behind their back? If not that is a good marketing idea. You can hug while discretely reading this very post.

I think cows & pigs & chickens are ruining the planet by being so tasty & thus making us fat. They evolved tastiness so they could survive by us breeding them. They didn't much fancy being hugged like dogs & cats do. It is actually meat eaters that have prevented these animals from going extinct.

Meowkaiser:  ikr?
MAR:  i don't know if you know

Does LoL stand for soccer?

don't be a pacifist, pass dat fist!

I'm like an American Hero because I use the bathroom just like they do.

MAR:  How many Irish sunsets have you seen while in a cave?
Kangi Andrew:  None you?
MAR:  None unless sleeping with your eyes open counts, then thirty-six-thousand. Oh sorry I'm thinking sunrises, of course I don't go to bed before sun sun sun.

pecans are apples for sailors?

Roman wants answers from Wyatt? That's like asking for a good comparative analogy from me.

I don't need to get used to. I've already got used to & right now.

Since June of last week

Stroons kick cactus nickels!

I'd like to punch the internet in it's wifi because that wouldn't hurt my hand!

MAR:  It would be a real surprise if someone literally "threw a surprise party" from like a giant catapult or something.
Lori:  And what would a thrown surprise party look like? U know so I can be on the lookout
MAR:  People & streamers falling from the sky but balloons falling up into the sky.

an arch of rebel wings?

Hunkering around

Time before eyelids

The twist ending is love.

Superlatives I'd Like to See

Most likely to..

lure hidden staircases out into the open

use ointment in front of the FedEx Pope

die six times in one day

take a Left to dinner

juggle turnips when you aren't looking

Least likely to..

use shards of dried bread as tape

use a Smartie to open a sardine can

kill a monkey using a monkey wrench while trying to save the monkey with said wrench

Mediumliest likely to..

compliment a flying duck's kneepad durability

take a carrot's temperature.. too seriously

Best Dressed cacti

Most ticklish during a horse race

 

Least likely to be named Wiltmor by their parents: 

Winner, everyone but Wiltmor Fids

+=- Bending Colors

Jhon10:   Have you ever played Oujia?
MAR:  no but I almost smelled one once
Jhon10:  Where are you from?
MAR:  today

I don't read Spanish, though I speak it perfectly. I'm semi-bi-illiterate.

Well doesn't that just shake a glazed ham in the wind?

I only believe what I hear, not what I see. The bad part is sometimes I hear lies.

Texas Marco Polo:  Where are you from?
MAR:  I prefer no regional bias be in conversations, but you being from Texas wouldn't understand that oooooh!

Texas Marco Polo:  I come to you in speed of microwave
MAR:  When it is set on 80 hours right?
Texas Marco Polo:  Yup

I will not be boxed in by nouns like box or swami. 

Adjacent aces borrow your colours good lad?

Court:  I saved a turtle that was in the road
MAR:  like hiding in a pot hole?

We are from earth. This earth to be less specific.

You cloud wearing, egg thumping, Charminavores!

Large liver, small dier.

Plays, I write plays. I just wrote two plays & finished a third one.
Here comes a fourth one.... "plays"

I'm serious guys. I write plays in my spare time.

Captain M.:  And your name is?
MAR:  Nothing" "is" there 'is' only was & ever will be.  The present is an illusion fabricated by the past & paid for by the future.  The first time someone truly lives in the moment is when they die.  Because there are no moments, only momentum.  So when you live in something false like a moment you fully lose momentum & the momentum of your life ceases.  Or so a cartoony sea barge once told me.

+=- Orbit without the sun.

Hearing is like a mirror if you can hear them they can hear you right? Is that why people yell at movies?

Lori:  Are you sure you're not remembering something else?

MAR:  I'm not remembering at all. I made it up.

vanity bucket

My me loves that!

Pokes You:

-->U

My memory is so good I unscrewed my head.

I'm in IN.

Ether in Simon Gotch’s mustache oil! Truly one of the finest ideas ever put to #FFFFFF

Very Poor Man's March - Lesson Leftovers

You know you're poor if the closest you've ever been to an airplane is when they were dropping off crates of food for your people.

You know you're poor when your tricycle is a bicycle.

You know you're poor when you look for products that will help you go bald so you can save money on haircuts.

You know you're poor when the closest you've ever been to an airport is that hole in a manhole cover.

You know you're poor when you can't afford mustard on your sandwich even though it is free of charge.

You are poor if on your 16th birthday instead of a car your parents got a you a job.

You know you're poor if the only musical instrument you've ever owned was a triangle made out of a medical syringe & a paper clip bent into a passable triangle.

You know you're poor when you eat off your license plate.

You know you're poor when you save used corn cobs to use as hair brushes.

You know you're poor when your breakfast isn't fruity peddles, its just pebbles & your teeth go "Bam! Bam!" as they break.

---

You know you're poor if, instead of eating fast food, you eat snails, the slowest food there is!

You know you're poor if you eat your oranges peel & all, just calling it natural marmalade.

You know you're poor when your cell phone is made out of radishes because radishes have cells right?

You know you're poor when your water hose ain't nothin' but an air hose.

You know you're poor when city hall comes & condemns your bath tub.

You know you live in a poor city when at the border the road stops having pavement & just has a sign that says, "Meant to be paved."

You know you're poor if the only time you've been on a golf course was to hunt the geese there to have something to eat that night.

You know you're poor if the only meal you eat in the winter is chilly, not chili the food but chilly the frosty air.

You know you're poor if need glasses but all you can afford is white plastics. They don't call you 4 eyes, they call you no eyes.

You know you're poor when the only thing you can do to save more money is to flush less.

You know you're poor when you support illiteracy campaigns because books cost too much money.

You know you're poor when you lose weight just so your kids can give you their clothes as hand me downs.

You know you're poor when your bed is a flower bed in your neighbor's yard & your only blanket is the stars.

You know you're poor when you gather up the hay people decorate with in the fall to have something to sleep on.

You know you're poor when look for open graves to sleep in because rustled dirt is much more comfy than unrustled dirt.

You know you're poor when putting your best foot forward requires you gettin it out of the case first.

You know you're poor when your backyard & your frontyard are the same yard because you don't have a house on your land.

You know you're poor when you show up to JC Penny hoping to buy whatever you want & they're like, "You're crazy." And you're like "Doesn't JC Penny stand for Jesus Christ Penny. I know Jesus I've got a penny how come I can't have whatever I want in this store?"

---

You know you're poor if the only Christmas tree you've ever had was made of twigs with pine cones tied to them using blades of grass because you couldn't even afford tape.

You know you're poor if the way you get haircuts is by rubbin' grease on your head & just lettin' the animals in the woods chew your hair off.

You know you're poor when you went to a school where the math books were also history books because they were written before anyone know what the heck math was.

You know you're poor when instead of having a toy 18 wheeler you just had a 1 wheeler made out of a matchbox & a tainted Cheerio. Because you gotta eat those untainted ones.

You know you're poor when your first box of crayons ain't got no crayons in it, it was just a box.

You know you're poor when the only doctor you've ever seen is the one that guesses weight at the fair.

You know you're poor when your favorite hat is a cloud.

Read Poor Man's March Lessons

+=- Dust Carried to Land

I'm halfway to Mexico by now… from Canada because that is where I live.

The McDonalds golden arches make you think of their french fries. Yeah they make you wonder if the arches & the fries are made out of the same material.

I don't have a musical bone in my body. Yeah I have all my marrow.

I couldn't see a thing, unless black is a thing.

I resist a rest when I'm not tired.

I am out of my mind because my mind is in me.

I like to beat savages to the punch of kindness.

Salman: are you this random with everyone?

MAR: No, I haven't met everyone yet. People keep dying before I can finish my list.

MAR: I'll just pretend you're everyone who ever lived, except me. Boy you sure are all over the place, one minute you're Gandhiing & next minute you're Mussoliniing.

Salman: yeah, I am also being blown up and get born simultaneously

MAR: ♫♪We are the world... but mostly just you♫♪

MAR: that is not how it works my dude

Salman: "my dude" never heard that

MAR: yeah & you still haven't unless you read it aloud

Salman: I read it aloud now

Nick: I empathize with you

MAR: Me too. I empathize with me. That makes me a good person right?

I am an amalgam of cereal mascots being forced to watch paint dry in the ocean.

Check briefcases for baby bears & one day you will win ah PRIZE!

I place $1,000 dollar orders all the time. I'm like "hey you, give me $1,000 dollars!"

Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 25-31, 2015

1. Put some candles on the ground at night so the falling snow can avoid falling on something that will injure it.

2. Use diced tomatoes as dice.

3. Break your poor friend's phone, laptop, or camera so they can finally justify an upgrade.

4. Save the world a wreck by not driving your motor vehicle for 17.9 years because statistically that is how often the average person has a wreck.

5. Tear a constipated person a new one.

6. Get a jump start on daylights saving time by setting all of the clocks at your work forward.

7. Crash birthday parties everyday to blow out the candles. Soon you'll have enough wish power to bring world peace.

Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 18-24, 2015

1. Start a beard farm but don't use fertilizer.

2. Sweet talk a bitter person until they become palatable.

3. Put googly eyes & mini-scarfs on stapler removers so they look less menacing.

4. Learn to juggle wads of gum.

5. Use chicken fingers to accuse people.. of being hungry.

6. At your local grocer replace the innards of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®" containers with Swiss cottage cheese so some people can finally believe it's not butter!

7. Invite your friends on a staycation inside a wanted criminal's trunk.

Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 11-17, 2015

1. Sell decorated lizard tails to bobcats.

2. Stop refurbishing used caskets.

3. Body paint a blind person so they can finally experience art.

4. Go on a shopping spree for that special arachnid in your life.

5. If you are a homeowner invite the neighborhood kids over to write on your walls.

6. Buy a feather pillow then hire a forensics team to help you get the bird's remains back to his or her family.

7. Forget about angel food cake & try to make authentic angel hot wings.